President's Balls To Be Held On Campus Again

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- More than just class, N.M.U. is about style. Back before the tide of apathy wielding grungy beer drinking students who just don't give a damn, N.M.U. used to host many classy social events during the school year.

   Some of the most popular of that time were the President's Balls. Not only were they held at least twice a semester, many more students would come than do today.

   This was made depressingly clear as the first Ball to be held in 20 years wrapped up in the Ontario room this last weekend, with only about 30 students and faculty members attending.

   "We're very excited to be holding these balls again," said Vice President in charge of Balls, Larry. "President's Balls are a great way to bring both faculty and students together in an atmosphere of non-threatening fun. And you can't beat the free wet bar!"

   Public reception of the reinstatement of an old tradition at N.M.U. seems to be one of mixed feelings.

   "Everybody used to love that the Balls were held every school year." added Larry. "Now they seem to think that they shouldn't held at all. I mean, what's up with that?"

   Senior marketing major, Ken Taekit said that he understands why the President would want the balls held, but that it wasn't worth all the "...public hoohaa."

   "I just don't understand how this can happen at a major professional institution like N.M.U." said Taekit. "And our president is a chick! She doesn't even HAVE balls!"

   Larry disagreed. "You haven't paid much attention to her policy on making decisions on this campus then, have you? Most of those decisions take some pretty big cahoonas."

   Decorations are undergoing the planning stage for the next ball to be held, and will be announced for free at a special 900 number set up specifically for the purpose.