Student Gets Life, Gives Up Attempt To Be Funny

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- In what has proved to be the biggest shock to faculty, staff and students at Northern Michigan University this semester, the student responsible for attempting to resurrect The...TRUTH a year and a half ago, has tossed in the towel.

   "I just don't care anymore," he said.

   The...TRUTH was originally a somewhat frequently printed folded legal sized piece of paper that poked and prodded at the goings ons here at N.M.U. and sometimes the surrounding area. When head procrastinator Ole graduated, the publication went to the Pub and spent it's time drinking and telling stories about "...the good ol' days."

   "I used to be annoying and funny at the same time," said The...TRUTH. "It was like a good shot of whiskey. Hurt like hell goin' down, but made you feel all warm and fuzzy if you had enough of it. Hell, I guess the Internet just ain't like being photocopied. It never did feel the same, having all my margins line up and graphics smoothed out. They just didn't have the heart for it, ya know?"

   A few students have expressed interest in taking over the helm and being the Editor of The...TRUTH, but when they found out there was no money involved, they pretty much all went back to downloading porn.

   Because administration sometimes isn't able to add two and two, the electronic files that have made up The...TRUTH may well be available online for some time after the student in charge is gone. Normally such files would be deleted when they are no longer being maintained, but, that would be efficiency.

   Sami the Jerk has taken the news the hardest, retreating into a zen-like trance with the help of a truckload of Busch Lite and a fat doobie.

   "HHMMMMMMMMMMMM" said Sami.

   When asked if the reason for giving up The...TRUTH was because of negative response by some of it's readers, the student replied that basically, "no."

   "That's one rat's ass I refuse to give," said the student. "I just don't have the time to pretend like it's fun, like I used to. I mean, hell, it's a public service that really should be provided, but what am I, Jesus frickin' Christ? I got things to do, man. Besides, between trying to finish up my last classes, and re-imaging my laptop, there's just not enough time in the day to waste."

   "Hail Eris. Whatever," added Sami.