NMU Student-Athletes Display Success in the Classroom, Professors Amazed

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- The N.M.U. Athletic Department announced today that student-athletes at Northern Michigan University combined for a grade-point average higher than that of the average student body for the fall 2000 semester.

   During the fall semester, the football team led the way with 20 players earning a GPA each of .12, while the women's nordic ski team managed a whopping .25 GPA score each. The women's cross country and swimming and diving teams each had .09 rankings. The women's tennis, cross country, and basketball teams, as well as the men's nordic skiing squad, all scored at various levels below the swimming and diving teams.

   "We're really excited," said Scott Sundial, head Volleyball Coach. "I don't think this department has ever managed to muster this sort of academia from jocks anywhere in the last twenty years. Of course, I really can't be sure, because I've only been around a year or so myself. But I'm pretty sure this is impressive."

   Although The...TRUTH was unable to actually find a professor who taught an athletics course, students assured us that their mentors were very pleased with this years academic progress.

   "We're way smater than last year's jocks." Said freshman diver Sandy Boughtum. "It's 'cause we've got spirit and determination. That's what it takes to win."

   When asked why 351 students equalling or outdoing the GPA of one average student was so impressive, neither the athletic students or Sundial were willing to comment. We were told to give them twenty, but were broke so we just left.