New Generation of N.M.U. Laptop Announced

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- New IBM ThinkFads will soon be available, according to sources hiding in Judy's modestly (and cheaply) decorated office. All the brainstorming sessions are concluded, all the meetings are ended, and staff and faculty are currently being polled to find out if anyone knows anyone else that works at IBM that can make use of their University ties to help beef up their resume.

   "We think students will really appreciate all the improvements in the next generation of lapstops that will be available in the Fall," said Vice President Vinn Kuntrol in a press release not yet released, but photocopied by Sami (our spy reporter in the field this week), "... we really spent a lot of time thinking of things to throw in on the deal!"

   According to the memo, the new machines will include DVD and CDRW drives, allowing students to watch movies in class, and burn MP3s and dirty pictures onto CDs for easier backup and greater storage capacity.

   "If it ain't got the letters DVD in it," said an officer staff member who asked to not be named, "then ain't no one buying it."

   The machine will also include encryption software, free long distance telephone software, an arm rest and beer cozy, and will even come with emulators of all major game systems already installed.

   While most of the technology seems to have little to do with any actual education, the computers are sure to help increase student enrollment as kids discover that it's cheaper to lease a computer by enrolling at N.M.U. than it is to save up the money mowing lawns.

   And since the entire world uses only Microsoft software, N.M.U. will continue to support and use only Microsoft or Microsoft approved software, in an attempt to give students an actual taste of the outside job world. Since people will never have to use any computer running Unix, Linux, MacOS or OSx, these options will not be considered any time soon as an option for students.