Helium Blimp Saves Family From Awkward Silence, And Awards Savings

A r t i c l e  b y  T a n k  K a n a m i t

MARQUETTE, MI -- The Cheevy family was in for a pleasant surprise during last Saturday nights hockey game when the Cats took on the Birdies at the Berry Events Center. "Hockey games are the perfect event for my girlfriend's family when they're in town," said Gary Zorza, an NMU sophomore living in mortal fear that the subtle hatred and snide remarks of his future in-laws will someday erupt into open animosity. Also in his party were his new girlfriend Shelly Cheever, Shelly's aunt Norma Alexekis, her grandmother June Cheever and her parents Miniver and Elaine Cheever visiting from Rochester, MI.

   "You can only drive around Presque Isle so many times in one afternoon, and we've already taken them to Vangos twice today," continued Gary. "So rather then sitting around pretending to enjoy scrabble in my cramped dorm room, I decided to treat them all to hockey, where no conversation would be required or expected. I knew we could kill time during the first intermission by going to the concession stand and mindlessly circling the building like cattle, but I was still a little nervous about the second intermission. Then this coolass fuckin helium blimp came out. As if that wasn't enough, then it started dropping coupons. Between the helium blimp and the zamboni, the intermission flew by without me having to start a conversation with Shelly's Aunt Norma about the weather or having my girlfriend's old man ask me about my long-term goals. I think hockey must be the raddest sport ever!"

   The not-even-close-to-capacity audience "ooed and awed" at the blimp much the same way primitive man must have gawked at an eclipse, collectively continuing their silent, sullen poses as if the puck were still in play.

   Not everyone is enthusiastic about the latest addition to Wildcat Hockey entertainment, however. "The blimp just calls attention to the fact that I sit above everyone in those ridiculous supreme box seats like a benevolent dictator," complained Lake Van Evera, an Adrian College student at home visiting his parents. "Much to my dismay, one of those silly coupons landed right in my lap. Then the whole crowd started staring at me. They could have just been looking because they were hypnotized by the raining coupons, but I think I saw some jealous hatred in their eyes for my pompous upper middle class self sitting above them all like royalty."

   "I couldn't disagree more," interjected Lake's father, Emmerson. "Back in the old days, the lines of class were much clearer. Now we even have to be egalitarian in church. I miss those days when the poor people sat in the back pews while me and my kin sat up front where we belonged. These box seats sure are an improvement over campy Lakeview." Mr. Van Evera is an honorary member of Northerns Alumni Society and a major contributor to NMUs athletic department.

   "I love that blimp, too," added Emmerson Van Evera. "Shit, I got to watch my secretary's husband and a guy wearing an orange hunting cap and Marquette Junior Hockey windbreaker fight for one of those trite coupons as if they were season tickets to the Met. I don't even need to secretly watch WWF anymore... I have a birds-eye view at hockey games. And when I don't think anyone is looking, I can tease the powerless proletariat by throwing pennies and used gum."

   Northern's administration is very happy with the claming, mesmerizing effects of the helium blimp. Given the already sedated atmosphere of the new Events Center when compared to Lakeview Arena, the previously made plans to pump mild doses of sleeping gas and opium into the arena during sporting events have been canceled.