"Mad Curb Layer" Creates Questionably Shaped Parking Lots

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- In what is proving to be a rash of uncontrollable contracting incidents, Northern Michigan University has become the home of several new parking lots shaped like a penis. The phallic parking lots can be found mostly on the south end of campus, near Wright street and Lincoln Avenue.

   Newly appointed NMU Zoning Commissioner Herb Alpert declined to comment on the structures, but did submit a nicely typed press release stating that "...since the parking lots would be a lot more expensive to fix than those damned smiley faces, N.M.U. will be temporarily stuck between a rock and a, uhm, hard place with this latest criminal act."

   The company that NMU hired to construct the parking lots has attempted to track down exactly which contractor it was who masterminded the plot, with little luck so far. Sami the jerk, field reporter for The...TRUTH happened to have much better luck, and was able to meet with the man at a local tavern for an interview. For the purposes of this story, let's call him Bill.

Sami: So what exactly was on your mind when you decided to alter the median layouts?

Bill: Well, it wasn't really a conscious decision... it just sorta happened. I had just picked up my paycheck, and was really frustrated with all the deductions, when my boss gave me a ton of crap about the project I'd worked on before starting here at NMU. I swear he spent at least an hour chewing me a new hole. What a dick!

Sami: So you're saying that it was your reaction to your perception of your boss, and not some misguided sense of over-compensation for a low self esteem?

Bill: What?

Sami: Never mind. Aren't you worried that you'll be found out and slapped around like the guy who made those brick smiley faces?

Bill: At first I was, but then I realized that this was different than the smiles. See, the smiles didn't do nothin' for the basic instincts of people. We're all just animals, ya know. I ended up figuring that the men would see the medians as a tribute to their own greatness, and women would just be happy to park near them and not really know why.

Sami: Hmm.. I guess you might call that a point...

Bill: Damn right it's a point. We're all just filthy animals obsessed with stupid, idiotic...

   At that point, Sami left the bar because Bill knocked himself out trying to take another swig from his beer bottle.