Housing To Be Opened To Inmates

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- In a move hesitantly accepted by County officials, Northern Michigan University will be opening their residence halls to local inmates as a way to boost enrollment figures.

   Faculty have expressed concern with the idea of convicts attending their courses, but have been promised that they'll only have to instruct those who've been on "good behavior" for at least one semester.

   "It's bad enough having to put up with all the slackers we get from the high schools, but this?" said Professor George Lucas. "How are we as teachers supposed to give unbiased grades when we're worried that our students will use past murder experience to threaten us into giving them A's? It's not good reasoning."

   The prisoners themselves seemed to have mixed feelings about the new program. "Well, we's been allowed to read books from da libary," said inmate #483221, "...so why not go to school too? Just because we ain't got no rights doesn't mean we don't have any rights."

   "Like I want to go to NMU!" said inmate #983277. "I'm already in prison, what more do they want from me?!? I said I was sorry, now leave me alone!"

   Under this new plan, the inmates will attend a seperate freshman orientation period, but then begin class along with the traditional students. Each inmate will be chained to the same lock-down safety mechanism used for the new laptops, available at the NMU bookstore for a low low price.

   Students who were asked about the program seemed to have no major reaction. "I've been getting butt love from this university for three years," said Junior Art Major Sean Haun. "So what can these guys do to me that NMU hasn't done already? Heck, I'm almost starting to like it."

   "We're confident that after the first bumps are all taken care of, I mean smoothed over, that things will be pretty much back to normal except with more money." Explained Presidential Assistant Pamela Lee Grundy. "What most people don't seem to realize is that running a publicity machine for such a great institution takes a lot of dollars. We just can't get that kind of revenue from the average student body of the last few years. We considered endorsing some robberies and muggings, but decided that despite our practice, that this new program would look better in the news."

   According to the rules of the new program, inmates will not be allowed to work on-campus, but traditional students will be allowed to apply for jobs at the prison for work study.

   A few students, who happened to have a slight criminal record, have started a new student organization in response to this new program. People interested in finding out more about the CCP (Crime Can Pay) club, can send email to ccp@nmu.edu or call 2242.

   Overall, as usual, the general reaction to the new policy is mixed, but apathy outweighs any active opposing effort.

   "Locker rentals are up, too!" said Grundy. "You just gotta love it."