NMU Provides New Student Service: Free Porn

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- Returning students and new students will all be thrilled to discover a newly available service through Academic Computing's web site at Northern Michigan University. Along with the required laptops, students will now have the ability to fill all that hard drive space with pornography at little to no cost.

   In a recent decision, which may prove to be the first policy students actually like, in over 50 years, links and images will be made available to anyone with an NMU student user ID and password. "We're not worried about minors," said John Linebacker, director of Academic Computing. "We figure if you're old enough to sign up for classes, you're old enough to collect smut. There's not much else you can do with these laptops anyway."

   Brian Sinister, director of Marketing Services, added that "...we tried to advertise in the local movie theatres on the screens, before movies, but we feel that being able to add notice of this new service should help increase desire to enroll at NMU."

   Not all reaction has been positive, however. NMU campus preacher Paul Special-K believes that this is only one more in a long line of bad things about the University. "Don't you realize you're all going to hell?" said Special-K. "Isn't it bad enough that you go to class with gays and catholics, attend sports events that promote premarital sex and violence, and sit through lectures written by Satan himself to keep you from knowing God's Truth? Wake up people! If God wanted you to see porn, he'd have given you an internet connection at birth."

   Others have expressed satisfaction with this latest addition. "I think it's great," said Senior Amanda Huhgnkis. "It will save a lot of time, not having to look all over the internet for this stuff. Time that can now be spent studying. And my boyfriend might even have enough time to take me out once in a while now."

   "Sure, in just a couple of minutes." said Hughnkis' boyfriend, from the other side of his door.

   Images and movies from just about every category of smut will be available through this new service, either on the local server, or through an index of links. Included will be examples of Amateurs, Anal, Asian, Babes, BDSM, Bizarre, B***jobs, Buttshots, Cartoons, Celebrities, C*mshots, Ebony, Exhibitionism, Fetish, Fisting, Gay, GroupSex, Hardcore, Interracial, Latina, Lesbian, Mature, Movie, Muffdiving, Plumpers, PornStars, P***yShots, Softcore, Stories, Teens, Tits, Toys, Transexuals, Variety, Voyeur, Watersports and more. (Editor's Note: the * means you have to supply your own vowel.)

   "Pretty much the only stuff we're not going to have are Bestiality and Child pornography." said Sinister.

   "Besides," added Linebacker. "...if we don't have this service available, students are just going to go out and find it on their own. This way they'll spend less time in the search, and more time with class study. By requiring them to have the laptop with an internet connection we were practically saying 'go ahead and do it' anyway. Now we're just going to be more efficient about is all."

   Students will not, however, be allowed to post pictures of themselves nude or engaged in sexual acts, on their own university web space. (Editor's Note: They can, however, send them to The...TRUTH if they feel the need to do so.)