God Denies Charges

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- In a recent faxed news release to local press, God has denied charges made by campus preacher Slick Matthews that God "hates gays, rock & rollers, pot smokers, Lutherans, beer drinkers, homeless people or readers of every other translation of the Bible than the King James version."

   "Can't you all just get along?" God asked.

   When asked about God's response, Matthews refuses to listen. "Begone vile speaker of untruths! It is from devilspawn like you that our society crumbleth down upon it's very foundation!"

   Matthews campaign of "tough love" has not won popularity among students or faculty at NMU, but several student organizations have begun to make a profit by selling brats and pop when the preacher is at work. "It's hard to be annoyed on an empty stomache," said freshman Stephanie Sommers.

   "God is Love! But it's not an easy love, sinners. We who would be saved from the judgment of the wicked must stand apart and force the holy conformity of the Spirit upon those who are too happy..." Preached Matthews.

   Campus religious organizations are not suprised by God's faxed denial. Almost every organization has also released their own statement denying any similarity or responsibility for Matthews. "We believe that the man just needs a hobby," said Methodist Men faculty advisor Steve Simon. "He may be a real Christian, though we're not ones to judge, but we feel that a more civil way must be found to reach the lost. Maybe we could just leave directions on their windshield or something."

   Students who paused between class to watch and listen to Matthews were mixed in their reactions.

   "I think that he sometimes has a point," said Philosophy Major John Brennor, a Junior. "But sometimes that point seems to get stuck in the wrong target. Sometimes he trades focus for energy. Who are we to ask anything?"

   Freshman John Smith disagreed. "I'd rather worship Satan. He doesn't talk so much."