N.M.U. To Do Away With Graduation

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- In a private press release this week, administrators announced a bold new proposal aimed at increasing enrollment and available funds. By eliminating what has in the past been called "Graduation," Northern Michigan University would be able to spend less time and money on advertising and recruitment.

    "We've tried to encourage students to stay here, but it hasn't worked." said Lenny Helldreth, Interim Vice President for Academic Administration and Planning. "We've dilluted the most popular degrees so they don't prepare students for outside jobs, we put in big screen televisions and we've encouraged drinking in the dorms. What more do these people want? We're not constructing all these new buildings for our health, you know."

    Sandra Michaels, Northern's Dean of Students, says that "...we give students everything they need. There's just no reason for them to leave us. We provide them with a laptop computer, fast food, low-income housing, access to porn on the internet and even a couple of pool tables. Where else are they going to find all this?"

    Enrollment is up 12% for the fall semester of 2000, but officials say that by eliminating graduation, they can increase that number by another 90-95%. This makes for a total of at least 102%, and when adjusted for losses through binge drinking, still averages out at about 100%.

    "Graduation usually ends up cutting our enrollment by 60% or more, which is too much. We think we've been sending the wrong message by having this ceremony every year." said Helldreth. "We could just give those green robes to the University Choir and kill two birds with one stone."

    This proposal would also solve other University problems, according to Mr. Ed Niemi, HUB Student Services director. "We ordered too many laptop computers for the next couple of semesters, and without graduation, there'll at least be more people to use them."

    Student reaction has been mixed, with a majority not seeming to understand what the difference would be.

    "Graduation?" asked undeclared Senior Nathan Lyle, "Why would I want to have to get a job? Heck, I don't even know what I want to do yet. My advisor told me back in 1992 to just keep switching majors until I found something I like. He didn't say there was any rush. I'm thinking about switching to Food Service next semester."

    Students like Lyle have been the University's only source of reliable income in the past, but with the new proposal N.M.U. would not have to depend so heavily on whether or not students like Lyle can scrounge up enough cash each semester to remain in school.

    "We're willing to help them borrow as much money as they need," said Michaels. "It's in our best interest, and we're pretty sure that when the student finally passes on due to old age, their children should be able to pay off the loans with money from insurance and the sale of a few body parts. Unless of course, we can get those children to attend N.M.U. as well."

    "I'm only here 'cause my girlfriend came here," said Sophmore Will Duer, "...whatever."