Giant Hamster Found In Basement Of West Science Building

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- The worst fears of critics of tunnel construction at Northern Michigan University were proven true this last week with the discovery of a large hamster that seems to have taken up residence in the basement of West Science. Worse than that, it's not paying tuition or signing up for a laptop.

   Currently, a very long underground tunnel exists between West Science and the Library building, as well as an above ground glass wall tunnel between Grease Hall and the University Center. These landmarks were part of then newly empowered NMU president Judy Baily's grand construction scheme.

   "No one seems to have been hurt yet," said Biology Professor Dr. Fred Diaminal, who captured the above-right photograph between classes. "But, it does seem to explain the missing food from the BookBinders Eatery. Not to mention large, cucumber sized pieces of dung that have been showing up in the math tutoring center."

   When asked about plans and intentions, NMU officials said that they weren't sure capturing or killing the creature was in the best interests of the University.

   "What if this is just what we needed to attract a more diverse student body?" commented Janet Laitenen, administration assistant of the president's office. "We're the first school in Michigan to offer large hamsters. We're considering a beginning fee of $125 each semester for the service."

   A poll of the student body showed that 35% were in favor of capturing it and letting it go somewhere in the wild while 15% said they thought it should be shot down and killed like the freak it is. Another 10% said they thought it was just some publicity stunt, and a surprising 40% said they didn't even know that NMU had an underground tunnel.