Construction Nears Completion, Connects Jamrich, Seaborg Center and Remains of West Science

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- Students on their way to and from class have been able to get a better picture of the soon to be completed walkways and buildings near and around what's left of West Science.

   While some have remained skeptical, the designs of a recent NMU graduate are proving to be a welcome change from the drab concrete theme of the past. Color plastic walls and frequent "resting bubbles" can be found throughout the walkway system, to promote socializing and relieve stress. 

   Giant wheels placed randomly throughout the walkways are connected to a backup power supply in Academic Computing, to provide a little extra electricity to keep the university running, for those students who really want to help out.

   "I hope to see the wheels get used extensively," said some guy who hadn't left for lunch, in a little hole in the wall down in Academic Computing. "It would cut down on our power bills, and I'd be able to start plugging in my whole system."

   Local resident, Paul "Mouth of God" Korzenko, holds a more reserved opinion, however. He was found recently in front of the fence that still encloses the construction area, shouting warnings of damnation to anyone who treated people like hamsters.

   "Are we mice or men?" Shouted Korzenko. "If you prick us do we not bleed? This is just one more step in a long line of dehumanizing that Satan has been running by taking control of this school! Anyone can see the truth in that, and if not then it's your fault for not understanding!"

   Currently, tunnels link the LRC to the wasted remains of West Science; the University Center to Gries hall (used to be dorms, now it's messy offices), and shortly the Jamborg Science center. No official plans have been released to connect the remaining buildings on campus, but Sami the Jerk (field reporter this week)  managed to get one of the student assistant to some vice president drunk over the weekend and found out that the rest of the buildings will be assimilated as well, as soon as Judge Judy Bailif can scam enough money selling photos of her pretending to build houses for the poor.

   "I think it's a damn good thing," said Sami. "The next time they convert a dorm into offices or something, the evicted students will have someplace warm to sleep. Now all we gotta do is rip off some shopping carts from the IGA and places them strategically throughout the walkways to give them something to put food and books in."