Public Radio Fundraiser Becomes Hellraiser

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- Rumors and mysteries surrounding the controversial local Public broadcasting radio station have become less mysterious and more obvious as their so called "Friendraiser" kicks off it's February stint.

   Though on-air banter lends a sense of decency and normalcy, the art being used as premiums for those who pledge money to the station seem to have taken on a less than subtle difference. The painting by Needa Angle is perhaps the best example, with it's depiction of a goat's head inside a pentagram, and the flames of hell burning some strands of grass.

   We tried to get a comment from Angle, but she only looked at us with a hollowed out expression and sunken eyes that seemed to have lost all individuality and sense of life.

   "It's been a pretty normal fundraising effort," said Station Manager Scott Semen. "There's nothing to worry about, nothing at all. As long as we manage to meet our goal of $55,000 then the Dark Lord will be satisfied and we'll return to our basement and play with our equipment."

   Some volunteers were willing to comment, while others seemed lost in a satanic trance.

   "I'm not sure what's up wit some o'tat art stuff," said long time public radio listener and senior citizen Rob DaFort. "I know artists dees days like ta experiment wit'at offensive stuff, but dat golfer on da coffee mug kinda seems not right."

   "Ya sure," his wife added.

   We were able to find a full time staff member, Hands Islestrum, who was willing to speak with us on the condition of remaining anonamous.

   "Well, to be honest," said Islestrum, "...there is something going on here, but it's too late to do much about it. Basically, what happened was that while were hollowing out more space underground for additional office space we accidentally opened a burried passageway to hell. You know, Hades. Satan himself had apparently been a long time fan of Adventures in Good Music, and he seemed more interested in taking us over than the world."

   Some memos and stolen email we received from Islestrum indicate that the next fundraiser will be a full switch over to the new management style, and feature premium CDs from Metallica and Slayer, as well as artwork by Robert Maplethorp. Hellraiser 2001 is scheduled to kick off in June.

   "To be honest," added Islestrum, "the new system doesn't look to be to bad. It's not like we had offices with a window and a whole lot of freedom as it was. Maybe with Satan at the lead, we'll be able to play that music that comes with naked women cover art."

   WUPX station manager "the Rude Girl" Julie Henner stated in a press release that they had initially tried to be the station on campus run by Satan, but had been blocked by the Board of Control.

   "Those commie bastards!" said Henner.