NMU President Shocks Public With Divorce And Remarriage

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n   S h o r t z

MARQUETTE - In a suprise announcement last month, Northern Michigan University President Judy Bailif announced her divorce and remarriage. Not only has she left her former husband Beendone with barely enough spare change to wash his underwear, she shocked everyone by pairing up with Horror Fiction writer Stevie King.

    "Can I be blamed for wanting some excitement in my life?" Bailif said. "How would you like to come home from a day filled with boring stupid meetings with people who can't put complete sentences together, and have to spend the rest of your evening with a pale ghost of a man? I mean, heck. His idea of fun is to walk around the neighborhood. Whoopty doo."

    When asked for a comment, Beendone Bailif just shrugged meekly and walked away. When pursued, he just curled into a fetal position and refused to answer any questions. Even when being poked with a stick.

    King seems to see his marriage as both love and inspiration. "Well, every now and then I run out of ideas," he said. "And even though Juju and I are madly in love (and I mean MADly) what better fodder for horror stories than the day to day process of working at a University like Enima U?"

    The couple spent a few weeks at their new summer home in Republic, followed by a tour of Escanaba. "It's nice to get out and see the commoners," explained Bailif. "And it's so romantic to see those who are less fortunate than us."

    Administrators refused to comment, seemingly in fear of losing their job security. One such official, Bob, who asked us to conceal his name said that "...it was only fitting. She creates horror, he writes it down. What better marriage could you ask for?"