Marketing Mistake Leads To Fatality

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- A dark stain has tarnished what would otherwise have been a positive month, according to Matt Sureashell, Vice President for University Relations.

   "Granted, we've had our share of demonstrations, riots, building and office takeovers, employee strikes, terrorist acts and other criminal acts this last month, but what really took the cake was when our new receptionist didn't know how to handle a simple phone call." said Sureashell.

   The phone call in question had been intended for NMU's "suicide help line" and had been redirected by accident to the communications and marketing department.

   "It would have been one thing if the stupid kid had just killed himself," contined Sureashell, "but because of this stupid bimbo we hired, his hamster ended up starving to death before anyone knew the student was dead."

   When asked why the phone system was not to blame for this tragedy, all NMU officials seem to agree that because the new system makes use of IBM PhonePad(tm) laptops that there is no way to blame that office.

   "...the fault must rest with the marketing people." said Public Safety officer Gregorian Chant. "Afterall, they're supposed to be able to put a positive spin on anything, right? Why couldn't they have at least kept this kid alive long enough to get one of us over there to rescue that hamster?"

   The student, who's name is being with-held pending notification of the hamster's next of kin, was found on the morning of September 20th, hanging by the neck from the loft frame in his dorm room.

   "I knew they said these backpacks were 'all purpose'," said former room-mate Howard Isthat, "but this was impressive. Who knew you could use one of the straps like that?"

   "They're not even supposed to have pets in the dorms!" Sureashell added.