Parking Spot Found Near Library

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- A few days before Halloween, one of NMU's oldest mysteries was given new light. An open parking spot was discovered by Sophmore Chevy Pursuit on his way to the library to study. After recovering from intense shock, he managed to find a phone and call ASNMU to report the miracle.

   "I never thought it would happen to me," explained Pursuit. "It's not exactly like I'm a lightening rod for good things or anything, my choice of colleges proves that."

   Neither ASNMU staff nor Public Safety officials could explain how this spot had remained open long enough for someone to see it.

   "It might have something to do with those odd stains." said Public Safety Assistant Director Darwin Gagmewithaspoon. "They way they're spread out they look like the result of someone tampering with the innards of a car."

   "There's just some places men aren't meant to go." Added ASNMU president Sami. (Editor's Note: don't ask.)

   After a few days of investigating the spot, which remained open the entire time, public safety officials declared the case to be unsolved. They then returned to the empty Hedgecock building to resume their game of poker.

   ASNMU members weren't as quick to let the mystery go, however. They formed a committee to camp out near the parking spot, to wait for some kind of sign. They pitched a few tents, purchased a grill and some brats, and began skipping class.

   After only two more days, they too had to leave frustrated. They woke up early in the morning, right before the 9am class rush to find that the spot had vanished.

   "Damn," said vice schmooze Richard Inmee. "We thought we might have found the answer to the age old parking problem. Oh well."

   On a related note, the yellow ticket fairie has been striking again, leaving bright cheerful presents for those with nice enough cars to look like they can afford some big cash fines. The fairies have possibly been linked to the shortage of spaces, since once a yellow present gets left on a car, the car's owner feels they might as well leave it there longer.

   "It's a classical case of the slippery slope phenomenenon," said Psychology professor Paul Ding. "Well, okay it's not really that classical, but kinda."