Scandle Smacks "Public Safety" Up-Side The Head

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- There have been rumors for years on the ultimate fate of N.M.U.'s former president William VanDammit. Some rumors were laid to rest this last week, while one of the worst was confirmed when student worker Rob Danin uncovered the head of VanDammit behind the new Public Safety complex.

    "I was picking up sticks and some garbage, you know, typical spring cleaning sort of stuff," said Danin. "And I saw this thing on the ground that looked like a nose. I'd been at the bar the night before, so at first I thought it was just my hangover playing tricks on me. When I tried to pick it up, I found that it was part of something else that was burried."

    Dani was intimidated into silence for days, but ended up telling the storie late one night at Remies, at a few other students encouraged him to go public.

    "I was really scared of my boss, and all the officers at Public Safety. They said if I ever told anyone that I would never park on campus again without getting a ticket." Explains Danin.

    Public Safety officials have admitted to there being a 'strange object' in the ground behind the building, but have insisted that it is not the head of the former N.M.U. president.

    "I know the pictures may make it look sort of bad," said Director Gregorian Chant. "but this sort of thing is always happening with U.F.O.'s too. And those always turn out to be swamp gas or something. We are definitely not part of an underground criminal mafia working for the highest bidder."

    Officers have long behaved in ways that have made some students and faculty wonder about how "safe" Public Safety helped them to be.

    "It's one thing for a cop to be out drinking," said professor Barry. "but when he's got a gun it starts to make you a little nervous. They don't let me into a bar with a gun."

    We have not been able to reach family members of VanDammit to confirm his whereabouts, but the fact that such a well loved president could disappear without a trace, combined with the declining trust in Public Safety officers, paints a grim picture for Northern's future.

    When asked for a comment, George, the owner of Remies (who asked us not to print his name) said that they would try to keep guns out in the future, but could not make any promises. "The way I see it, Danin was just lucky that the night he was here drinking and told this story about the head thing that there weren't any cops in the bar right then. It could have gotten ugly."

    Currently, the public is not being allowed behind the Public Safety complex, and no further press releases are scheduled. The object that many feel is the beloved VanDammit head has been taken into custody and is not available for public viewing.

    "It's not that we're hiding something," said Chant. "We just need to stay on top of this. We're not a dangerous gang of undisciplined macho hicks who happen to be legally armed, we're here for you. We're here to protect you. VanDammit never understood that. The current administration does."