Seaborg Building Assimilated, Resistance Futile

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- Long thought to be only a myth belonging to the popular science fiction television show "Star Trek," the Borg have begun an assimilation of Northern Michigan University.

   "At first everyone thought that buildings were just being renovated and constructed," said Planning Director Will Bentone. "But then we noticed that the workers were dressed kind of strangely. Then we thought maybe they were just Swedish, but no, they were Borg."

   So far no people seem to have been assimilated, but everyone has begun to try to stay as far away from the Borg as possible, except for a few nerdy looking freshmen who seem to believe that the Borg must be some sign from God that they hadn't wasted the last 16 years of their lives.

   Others have expressed determined individualistic tendancies.

   "I've seen what they can do," said Sophmore Bob Turdes. "I watch TV. They ain't gonna make no Locutus out of me!"

   When bravely confronted by Sami, investigative reporter this week, a voice that sounded like 1000 people talking simultaneously stated that resistance was futile. It then said that our technology would be added to it's own.

   "They're in for a surprise when they try to assimilate these laptops!" laughed Marc Phire, Academic Computing flunky. "They'll plug into these suckers and their ship will crash in minutes."

   A press release from the Office of the President said that the changes would be beneficial to the student body. It also stated that the whole reason the Borg must have decided to team up with N.M.U. was probably because of our high-tech status and prestige in the Universe.

   Whether or not this assimilation was planned, it remains to be seen whether it will be a positive direction for the University. Administration is publicly taking the position that the assimilation was expected, but has not provided any documentation of agreement between the Borg Collective and N.M.U. officials.

   "I'm outta here. They can have my laptop." added Turdes.