Howard Stern Buys WUPX

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- Some faculty and administration, as well as aging members of the local community, have long seen "Radio X" (WUPX) as an ear-sore. Less and less older people have appreciated the toned down quality and brave new experimentalism in lack of musical value. But now, thanks to Howard Stern, they'll finally have a legitimate reason to be pissed off.

   "Granted, we managed to anger a few people," said Station Manager Rude Julie. "But with the new ownership we should be able to offend an even greater audience."

   Judge Judy Bailif had attempted to slow down the purchase, as her minions looked for ways to prevent the deal entirely. According to whispered leaks from her office, they "...have been trying and trying to find some way to keep that bastard out of Marquette!"

   Polls of incoming students combined with longtime student feedback shows a 74.3 percent chance that the new ownerships will actually increase listenership among people who dislike Howard Stern.

   When asked why they would listen to someone on the radio that they hate, the general feeling seemed to be one of confused denial.

   "He's such an evil spawn of satan!" said Wesley House member Chad Dimple. "Because of people like him, this world is a filthy, disgusting house of whoredom. If we let him get on the air and start talking about who knows what, where is it going to end? Hell! That's where!"

   Not all reactions have been negative, however.

   "I think it's good that he bought Radio X," said early morning DJ Phil McKrakin. "With Howard running this place, I might actually get some large breasted dumb girls hanging out at the station, drinking and falling asleep on the couch so I can touch their boobies when they're passed out. What a cool thing!"

   Some of the changes that Howard has planned for WUPX include a new dress code for women. They must all wear either a swimsuit or a t-shirt that says "I'm a lesbian." All interviews are to be sex related, or must make fun of a nationality or disability.

   "I don't know why the prudes can't just turn off their radios," said Sophmore Anita Phawke. "There's a bunch of dials right there in front of them if they don't want to hear what Howard has to say. I think they just secretly like being pissed."

   "Heh, heh, boobs." added McKrakin.