Wildcat Hockey Calls It Quits

A r t i c l e  b y  S . D .  N u t t s w o r t h

MARQUETTE, MI -- After only a few months, the NMU hockey team has decided to end 24 years of collegiate hockey and dismantle the newly built, $10 million, Bungled Events Center.

   Reports from a person close to the situation (who we would never ever ever doubt) said the announcement was released yesterday from the NMU Athletic Department. It was co-signed with a big wet sloppy kiss from President Dr. Judith Bailey.

   THE BEC was home to the USOEC speed skating program, the hockey team and the men's and women's basketball programs. An unknown fact was that the facility also housed an underground adult amusement park for V.I.P. members only. No word on whether that will be closed also. (It's too much fun to close...ask for Bambi - Ed. Note)

   "We really had this planned all along," read the announcement. "The whole idea of building the damn thing was really just a drunken joke while President Appleberry was still here.

   "We were Indian wrestling after a few keg stands and a few shots of Jose, we started to add to the Campus Master Plan, just to piss him off, we were all tanked."

   According to experts, the BEC does indeed look like it was built by someone "still intoxicated from the previous batch of grandpa's ole' cough syrup." The lack of seating, the suits, Willy Bowling, plus a really bad pilot for the "airship" show at intermission are just a few of the wonderful new qualities that were added to the BEC for this years season. Fans were not impressed.

   "I can't touch the players any more," 12-year old Cindy McGrady said. "I used to be able to try to molest them as they were walking to the locker room, now I can't. They're so cute."

   The players of the team were all in agreement after the announcement.

   "What do you mean we can't play hockey, how will we be able to get chicks?" the team said.

   When asked what will happen to the rest of the sports that called the BEC their home, the Athletic Department released the following statement:

   "Who gives a flying fuck? It's not hockey."

   John Berry, who gave money into the project is still crying that he wasted all that money on this, "stupid university".

   Reports also are inclined to say that the NMU baseball team will not start this spring due to lack of support from the university, more on this story later.