Wildcat Willy Named President of Student Body

A r t i c l e  b y  S . D .  N u t s w o r t h

MARQUETTE - After two years under the ruthless leadership of Northern Michigan University's ASNMU student body president, Nick "The Crypt Keeper" Vivian, the student body was forced to vote for only one candidate on this years ballot, NMU athletic mascot, Wildcat Willy.

    When asked about the validity of an election with only one candidate, school officials told us off the record that "it didn't matter anyway, since it wasn't like they had any power to change anything on this campus."

    Willy, a real pain in the ass at any sporting event, was given the reins this past week in a small cult-like ceremony, pentagram included, in the basement of Cohodas Building. During the ceremony members of Christian America, the new assault style warrior for Jesus group, protested outside with giant pictures of dead wildcats.

    Through a translator at the press conference, since he has a tendancy to not speak in public, Willy said, "I am very happy with this victory. I hope to continue the raping of every student's wallet for the next year while I am in charge." (We aren't sure if this is what he really said, but it sounds like something he would have said.)

    Willy, best known for mostly missing thrown footballs at hockey games during intermission and running around and being a pest at home football and basketball games, will continue his annoying terror on the political field now at NMU starting this summer. His assistants have announced that he will dance outside of the LRC to promote various political issues that students don't really care about.

    The mascot ran unopposed, though the early runners from the primarys are still missing, even after combing of all of Lake Superior straight up to the Canadian border. NMU President Dr. Judi Bailif helped during the search of the missing candidates, with a canoe that her husband bought last month.

    "I feel real bad that this was an uncontested contest," Bailif smirked. "I really wanted to see if anyone would go against my candidate, I mean the logical choice for a great president. Could you omit that last statement?" (Editor's Note: Nope.)

    Students would not comment on the change of power, most likely out of fear.

    Wildcat Willy will oversee the GAP initiative for the fall semester and plans to crack the whip if anyone gets out of line.

    "Things will be fine," Willy said. "Just fine..."