AT THE OSCARS

"My my, this here Anakin guy,
May be Vader some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home
Kissed his mommy good-bye
Sayin' 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi."
    -- Weird Al

1999 was the best year for movies in the 1990's - unfortunately, this achievement ranks right up there with being the smartest guy on the football team, since the movies of the 90's will be remembered as misogynistic, poorly written, and wrongheaded in the extreme. God help me, I long for the good old days of the 80's. Madonna and Rosanna Arquette in Desperately Seeking Susan played strong female characters compared to the fluffballs Meg Ryan and Demi Moore have played in the 90's. Then there's Robin Williams - I'm old enough to remember when he didn't just play doctors.

But the movies of 1999 had some definite redeeming qualities, so here are my picks for the Oscars:

Best Actor Tim Allen: Galaxy Quest
Tim Allen, it appears, has some acting ability. In Galaxy Quest, he out-Shatners, Mr. "where no man has gone before," himself. I loved this movie. I went with a bunch of friends and we laughed so hard I was afraid we were going to get kicked out.

Best Actress (tie) Annette Bening, Mena Suvari and Thora Birch: American Beauty
Never mind Kevin Spacey -- Annette Bening does more acting from the knees down than Spacey does with his whole body (seriously, see this movie again and pay attention to how much emotion Bening expresses with how she holds her FEET). Mena Suvari is both sexy and real-looking and, along with Thora Birch, portrays a teenager so realistically you forget you aren't watching a documentary.

Worst New Trend: Commercials before the movie.
Sorry, that just really pisses me off. As if I needed another excuse to avoid the movie theatre.

Biggest Disappointment: Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace
It's the first time I've ever been disappointed with a movie that I still really liked. I mean, it was good and all, but I was expecting... well, I was expecting Star Wars. This was better than Return of the Jedi, but not by much. I'd have thought that in 16 years Lucas could have done better than this.

Movie I'm Most Proud of Having Not Seen Yet: The Blair Witch Project
A lot of my friends were disappointed. The comment I kept hearing was that this would have been a really good Made For HBO Movie, but it wasn't good enough to be in theatres. I would, however, be willing to spend money to watch three film students get killed gruesomely, so maybe I'll check it out on video.

Best screenplay/direction (pseudomystical category) Andy Wachowski, Larry Wachowski: The Matrix
Whatever your psychosis -- be it anti-establishment paranoia, ontological ennui or good, old-fashioned "What is reality anyway?" too-much-LSD-in-grade-school, The Matrix is the movie that will make you seriously wonder if you can leap from the top of one extremely tall building to another. I found myself heckling how beautiful the supposedly "dystopian" Matrix looked. When Keanau walked into the Stronghold with the duffle full of guns I thought it looked like a commercial.

• Baggy Black Trenchcoat: $175
• Ray Ban Sunglasses: $110
• AK 47 Automatic Rifles: $1250 each
• Ability to stroll through a shooting gallery unharmed: Priceless. For everything else: There's MasterCard.

You KNOW the scene I'm talking about.
Yes, I LIKED this movie. You should see the way I talk about movies I DON'T like.

Best screenplay/direction (wannabe-superhero category) Kinka Usher: Mystery Men
This is Usher's first movie and what a way to start a career. The city looked beautiful. The fact that every sign in the background was in at least two languages (and no two signs were in the same two languages) gave the whole movie a jaded cosmopolitan Blade Runner type of feel that made the would-be superheroes seem even more naive. This is a perfect example of post-ironic comedy where you both laugh at and root for the heroes.

Best Picture of 1999: Dogma
Speaking of post-ironic comedies... Can you tell -- does Kevin Smith respect Catholicism or does he disdain it? If you guessed that he disdained it, you're absolutely WRONG. The Mother Church herself had no comment on the movie, since Smith is a tithing Catholic - they essentially get a cut of the gross. The Catholic Antidefamation League (who, presumably didn't get paid upfront) was less tightlipped. The euthanasia plot point surprised me, but the Blessed golf club didn't. Nice touches like that really made the movie. Alan Rickman as Metatron was a stitch and I'm glad they didn't tax Alanis Morrisette's acting ability with anything as strenuous as actual dialog.

So, those are my picks for Oscars for 1999. Let's hope the movies of 2000 are better, but I don't hold out much hope. If Ben Affleck's new Product is any indication, the drought continues.

Until the situation improves, I'll see you in the video store.