The...TRUTH #33 - Back Issue

THE COMPLETE, UNADULTERATED, UNABRIDGED, ALL- AMERICAN, UNBIASED, WHOLESOME, HONEST TO GOODNESS, PLAIN AND SIMPLE TRUTH (cyberpunk edition) no 33 chaos 43, 3159

the official organ of the erisian liberation flank

JACOBETTI MEMORIAL PLAN BEGUN

With the unexpected and sudden_ though timely_ demise of State Rep. Dominic J. Jacobetti (D- Negaunee) recently, a group of his loyal constituents are planning a fitting memorial to the venerable legislator, known as "the Godfather." Calling themselves "Dominic's Organization to Memorialize the Good Ole Days" (DOM-GOD), they propose to carve a likeness of Jacobetti's face into Big Swede, the cliff overlooking Teal Lake in Negaunee, "a la Mount Rushmore."

The fact that Jacobetti still occupies a seat in the Michigan House of Representatives and continues to breathe some air matters little to them. "Stick a fork in him_ he's done," said a particularly acerbic spokesman.

Now stripped of virtually all of the power accumulated in 38 years in the Legislature and even under investigation, Jacobetti's downfall began with the last November election. Although he defeated his challenger for the lO9th district house seat, Republican Jim Alderson, of Gwinn, by a 5-to-2 margin, Democrats statewide lost outright control of the House, settling for a 55-55 split with Republicans.

Sami the Jerk, political analyst for The...TRUTH (this week, anyway), said, "The election between Jake and Alderson came down to the question, 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, we rushed Dirty Harry, and it turned out there was a bullet left in the gun."

The two parties worked out a system whereby Reps. Paul Hillegonds (R- Holland) and Curtis Hertel (D- Detroit) would alternate as house speaker on a monthly basis, with house committees op-erating under chairmen of the opposite party. Under this system, Jacobetti was to have retained his chair of the powerful House Appropriations Committee during months when Hillegonds was speaker.

Hertel, however, stripped him of that duty on Jan. 2O and replaced him with Rep. Richard Young (D- Dearborn Heights) with the advent of the House Fiscal Agency scandal. As part of a three-member board, Jacobetti is charged with mismanagement in the oversight of agency director John Morberg, who has been suspended under charges of unauthorized employee bonuses, questionable legal fees and purchases, possible income tax violations and nepotism.

"Jake brought it all on himself," said Sami. "He all but announced his retirement after wiping the floor with Steve Gust in the '9O election, but when (Governor John) Engler was elected, too, and declared war on him, Jake decided to keep on running just to spite him.

"If he had stayed out last year, he had a chance to avoid all of this and go out a hero. Instead, he's going out in a clown suit."

Since the new session of the legislature opened Jan. 4, Jacobetti has been fre-quently absent from the House, missing Engler's "State of the State" address, and has been spotted only occasionally near the capitol. His office denies rumors that he will be seeking political asylum in Arizona. Regardless of Jacobetti's potential fugitive status, DOM-GOD is going ahead with plans for the Big Swede memorial. "We want to remember him the way he was, not_ not like this," said a young fe-male member who seemed on the verge of tears.

IMBOLIC PARTY: BLOWHARD BLOWS OFF BLOWUP AT BLOWOUT
BRRRRR: "RATHJE'S LEMMINGS" TAKE THE PLUNGE!
AND ONCE AGAIN... WE IGNORE WBKX--UH, WE MEAN WUPX!

APOLOGIES, PRODS AND MISCELLANIA

Pay attention, folks_ you're not go-ing to see this very often.

You may recall that in the Bureau-cracy 49 issue last fall, we poked fun at WNMU-FM, Public Radio 9O during their last fundraiser, and specifically at Stan Wright and his son, Michael. At the time, some of our editorial staff was unaware, and the rest neglected to mention, that Michael Wright was suffering from leukemia. Certainly, we had no way of knowing that he would have a relapse six weeks later.

Holding a six-year-old up to the microphone to hawk donations simply struck us as a rather hokey fundraising stunt_ and still does, for that matter, but now at least a more understandable one. Anyway, we apologize for some insensitivity and tastelessness directed at some people who didn't really deserve it.

What's more, our efforts to help out WNMU during Oktoberfest were useless, as they raised only $4O,OOO to-ward their $5O,OOO goal. Well, speaking of people who deserve it, no more selflessness for us_ it's winter, and the moratorium is over.

It's time to 'fess up, Russell-Parks! What is the "Acorn Anniversary," already? Is it something as innocuous as the day you and Shelley planted a tree, or does it have something to do with twine and the Briggs and Stratton effect? You've taunted us long enough. Now we want to know. Despite this, we do wish WNMU better luck with "Friendraiser," running through February l5, and Michael Wright a speedy recovery.

ODD ODDS AND ENDS...

. . . Has everyone heard that former Student Finance Committee Chairman and December '9O NMU graduate Bruce Roberts has twice qualified for the Franklin Life Insurance Company's Circle of Champions Club for outstanding recruiting in July and October? Congrats, ol' buddy_ we're so glad to hear you're the best insurance salesman in town.

. . . Question for Chris Hansen, Director of the Quaystone Coffeehouse Concert Series: Do you intentionally schedule half of your season during Northern's breaks and vacations, so students can't go? Okay, we're not really broken up over missing Gale La Joye over Thanksgiving, but Patty Larkin's December l9 concert was the best event of the year that three fourths of NMU students didn't have a chance to see because they were visiting family elsewhere.

. . . Have Prof. Kermit Kynell, of justice studies, and Prof. Harry Guenther, of accounting-finance, ever been seen together?

. . . Will somebody at Public Radio 9O please get Nicole Walton away from the morning sports reports before she hurts herself?

Notes to the l992-'93 university directory: We noticed that an employee of the political science department named Richard Ryan was listed as "Job Class Unknown." That title alone strikes us as too good to be true, but in political science, no less. No, we really don't want to know.

It seems that the new Dean of Technology and Applied Sciences is named Virginia Slimmer. Since she has no spouse listed, we suspect that parents with a sense of humor, rather than an unfortunate choice of husbands, are responsible. Dr. Slimmer is probably in her late 4Os_ you do the math.

Stacie Morey, a graduate clinical assistant in the communication disorders department, is listed as "unused." While this isn't really surprising, we're still not sure whether to offer congratulations or condolences.

. . . This just handed to us_ The... TRUTH scoops the North Wind again! One of our top correspondents is at the "Rock, Rap, and Media" conference in Missouri. Prof. Paulette Kilmer, of Eng-lish, offered the Windies the opportunity to go with her to this conference before asking us, but they all said, "oh, we can't leave our precious paper for a whole week_ what if some news happened? We'd miss it." Assholes.

. . . Well, what did you expect? That the North Wind could cover something as controversial as rap as well as us? Bah, the fools! We're your paper for all the controversy worth worrying about, and in our next issue, we'll bring you all the highlights.

. . . By the way, try to find the other place in this issue where we have scooped the Wind on a substantive news issue.

Correction to last issue:

In the Aftermath l6 issue of The... TRUTH, we reported that that would be the last issue. We now must report that, in fact, it was not the last issue, and Pro-ject E*L*F regrets any inconvenience caused by our error.

Found: 7 keys on a keychain that says "hot" this is not a fnord joke. please come to the rowdy table at the den so we can mock you (we'll even give them back)

LETTERS TO THE...TRUTH:

READER CONTRASTS GAY, STRAIGHT ATTRACTION To the Editor:

A ridiculous amount has been written and said about gay rights recently, inclu-ding the huge debate of whether homosexuality is due to nature or society. Most of the arguments on both sides are crap. Why? Because they're written by straight, white men.

Two out of three isn't good enough for them. I've been asked a lot of questions about my "lifestyle choice," and most of the questions have been crap. Some of them have been pretty insightful and intelligent. Most of those have been from straight white women, which I appreciate. I'd like to answer one question no one has ever asked me: "What are you attracted to?"

A heterosexual man is attracted to women on the basis of how much they remind him of his internal idealization of his mother or whether or not he can project his image of femininity (mainly influenced by his mother_ the archetypal feminine presence in his life) on a woman who he is attracted to sexually.

Heterosexual women are attracted to men who (according to the same above criteria) remind them of their fathers or men who they identify as having the power to exorcise the archetype of masculinity from them. Therefore, a woman who had a cold and distant but financially reliable father may hook up with a passionate, irresponsible wildman or a woman who had an emotional, overbearing father may find a sensitive, nurturing mate. Women are more likely to rebel against their fathers than men are to rebel against their mothers (women have more reason to rebel against men than men have to rebel against women).

But, gay men do not (in general) project their motherly desires onto other men. More often, a man will find another man attractive if he displays characteristics that he wishes he had or characteristics he sees in himself.

A man who is more mature may pine for his youth and find himself attracted to a younger man. The younger man may find himself attracted to the older man by his wisdom, experience and sound judge-ment. Both men are attracted to to qualities they wish they possessed personally. They can vicariously possess the desired qualities. The older man may feel rejuvenated and the younger can feel some measure of wisdom by hearing the stories of the older and benefiting from his advice. The pattern was widely prevalent in ancient Greece_ to the point of being "normal."

Gay women, in general, cherish a relationship based on equality between the sexes. They see each other as partners, confidants, friends, etc. In some cases, a woman projects her "mother archetype" on her partner or she expresses her maternal instincts with her lover. Often in this case, both partners fulfill both roles (something straight society doesn't understand). Gay men also are capable of this, expressing any feeling or instinct deemed appropriate to the moment without concern for whether it is a masculine or feminine trait.

In this, the internal Yin and Yang (of masculine and feminine) balance within each individual rather than being balanced between the couple (as in straight relationships). Thus, gays, being more in tune with both their masculine and feminine sides, often feel comfortable flouting convention and assuming any characteristics of either gender.

This certainly can be disconcerting to straight people who have not explored the boundaries of their masculine and feminine sides enough to feel comfortable acknowledging the presence of the opposite sex within them. This leads to a very noisy (and very small) minority of straights called gay-bashers. We hate what we see in ourselves. We aren't made uncomfortable by seeing others expressing desires that we don't possess. An example is that Donald Trump was widely hated mainly because he was expressing his greedy feelings so easily and fruitfully that those whose greed was unfulfilled hated him. Obviously, this example does not include those who feared him out of a healthy sense of moral outrage at the lives he was ruining.

Other than that, I like lumberjacks.

-Homer Sapien

ONE DISSATISFIED CUSTOMER SO FAR

Editor's note- The following letter has been edited only to omit the name of one of our staff members who would prefer to go through life anonymously.

To the Editor:

I've been observing you folks for a year or so, and recent activities around your table lead me to think that you've got another issue ready for printing.

Normally, I'd say that this is good news.

Your most recent issues (what_ one or two issues this year and the last couple from the end of the l99l-'92 school year?) seem to be only slightly more than a shaky soapbox for the opinions of ----------. While there's no arguing the fact that he can write, and that his opinions ought to be regarded as valid, I don't think there's much wisdom in allowing him the editorial reigns of your publication. His "inside joke_ sorry, no outsiders allowed" brand of humor, his attempts at sounding pompous (why would someone want to sound that way?), and his multiple axes-to-grind alienate the reader. I don't believe that you folks are consciously trying to reduce the number of students and staff that take time to read your newsletter, so I would like to caution you on the over-bearing editorializing that you allow Mr.----------.

From my vantage point, I see your group as an intelligent, left-wing, exci-ting, and hilariously funny one. Your publication should do more to reflect that kind of spirit.

Please consider diluting the the sauce with which ---------- seems intent on bas-ting us.

-Alfred Informedsource

Editor's note- We don't understand ----------, either. Whenever he starts talking, we usually just smile and nod. Obviously, you take him much more seriously than we do_ or he does, for that matter.

Offended? Outraged? Good! Send your letters to The...TRUTH, c/o the Erisian Liberation Flank at this address:

Box 43, Student Activities Office
University Center, 54O W. Kaye Ave.
Marquette, Michigan, 49855

We reserve the right to edit all material received, usually only to correct spelling and grammar or to otherwise render it coherent. Opinions expressed in The...TRUTH are not necessarily those of the editorial staff or Pro-ject E*L*F. In fact, they are not necessarily those of the people who fnord wrote them. The...TRUTH is an equal-opportunity publication, and attempts to offend all persons without regard to age, citizenship, color, han-dicap, marital status, national origin, race, religion, or sex. Prosecutors will be violated.

FACULTY RESEARCH GRANTS PROPOSED

This year's recommendations for faculty research grants, also known as "The Top 2l Reasons Why Faculty Have Too Much Time on Their Hands," have been submitted for the Academic Senate's approval by Prof. John Rebers, of biology, chairman of the Faculty Grants Committee. The committee ranked the 2l proposals and recommended the top l3 for fun-ding, to total $79,6l2 from various sour-ces.

Most interesting, though, is that four of the top five proposals are for the biology department, and that Rebers himself submitted a request. The last time a situation like this arose was in l99O-'9l, when Prof. Sandra Poindexter, of management-marketing, then FGC chairwoman, had also made a request. Poindexter turned the chair over to Prof. Philip Pavlik, of chemistry, and her proposal was ranked l5th out of 27 when only ll received any funding. Coincidentally, three of the top four grants that year were also for biology.

This year, Rebers' request, in the amount of $7,25O for a project titled "Structure and Regulation of a Moth Cuticle Gene," was ranked 2nd for funding. "Live and learn," said Rebers.

TEST YOUR ERISIAN COMPATIBILITY RATING

How Erisian are you? Take this simple quiz to find out: In Scrooge, Tom Mull looked like:

A very old Jay Leno.
Danny De Vito in Batman Returns.
A mediocre actor who couldn't sing if a lifetime of free beer depended on it.

I worry about A. S. N. M. U. when:

The election turnout drops below five percent.
They arbitrarily reject desperately needed by-law revisions submitted by other committees.
I realize that Steve Gust is the brains of the operation.

The next three questions deal with the upcoming President-for-a-day contest:

The best way to win the contest to trade places with President Vanda-ment for a day is to:

Buy a whole bunch of tickets and hope.
Bribe the officers of Mortar Board.
Break into the Dean of Students' Office under cover of darkness and have Greg Rathje help me change all the entries.

If I win the raffle and trade places with Vandament, the meanest thing I would make him do is:

Eat cafeteria food.
Find a parking spot.
Make him deal with his own buil-ding to try to see me.

My first official act as president would be:

To use my new reserved parking spot.
To run up Vandament's tab at the Cohodas Lounge.
To fire everyone who has ever hassled me, starting with Tom Skoog.

SAMI THE JERK - FUN WITH TA'S

My writing, like tiny insects in the palm of history, domino effect, & an early end to this story. My writing is an iron fist in a glove filled with Vaseline, Dip the fuse in kerosene, I too became a dissident. -Thomas Dolby

It will probably come as a shock to those of you who read my column, but I am an English major. When asked what I intend to do with my degree, I usually answer that I'm going to work at McDonald's until the geri-boomers die and some of the cush jobs they have open up. (Editor's note "geri-boomers" is the derogatory term Sami uses to refer to the "baby-boomers" who, he thinks, have out-grown the title "baby," and now deserve to be called "geriatric-boomers," or "geri-boomers" for short. Please feel free to slip it into conversation.)

"Why don't you become a teaching assistant?" my foil blundered on.

Friends, if you have a choice between working at McDonald's and becoming a TA, just say, "would you like fries with that?"

Top five reasons why working at Mc Donald's is better than being a TA:

Besides, if you become a TA, just look at who you'll have to work with:

Marty Achatz- I got bored beating up on this punk when we were both in high school.
Paul White- I got bored beating up on this punk when he was still on ASNMU.
Daryl McGrath- Doesn't have a degree in English. Aw hell, history is close e-nough.

And, some geri-boomer named Mike whose last name I forget.

Attention, English department: Next time you interview potential TAs, please check for a pulse. We don't want to deal with any more of these zombies. I think I'll barf the next time he says, "Of course, you're too young to remember that."

To their credit, they are the migrant farm workers of the academic world. $5,8OO a year plus tuition waiver is not much for someone with a bachelor's degree. Plus, three of them do a normal prof's workload for probably one-third the pay.

Also, this note on the graduate student scene: Apparently, for a prof supervising graduate thesis work, the prof will get one credit of his workload waived for every four-credit thesis he supervises (so if he supervises four four-credit theses, it counts as him teaching a four-credit class). Well, number one, theses aren't very popular anymore (no one wants to do them, profs or students), and number two, the English department wants to change this to one credit per l6 credits of theses! Ask Ron Johnson_ he does most of the theses and has the most to lose.

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