The...TRUTH #35 - Back Issue

THE COMPLETE, UNADULTERATED, UNABRIDGED, ALL-AMERICAN, UNBIASED, WHOLESOME, HONEST TO GOODNESS, PLAIN AND SIMPLE TRUTH (cyberpunk edition) no. 35 discord 27, 3159

give a man a mask and he will tell you the truth

IT'S A KIND OF MAGICK

After settling a brief dispute between the word college and school, the Academic Senate voted today to okay the inclusion of a whole new area of study in NMU's course offerings. This move creates the Dianne Seppanen College of Magick and Parapsychology which will begin taking students this fall. The areas of concentration are planned to include Ceremonial Magick, Karma Mechanics, Wicca, Voodoo, Astrology, Psychic Investigations, Crystal Fondling, and Black Magick.

"It's a simple matter of economics," said President Vandament, "Rei Ki classes cost $250 and only last one day-- I figured, Hell, I Gotta get me a cut of that action. Plus we can start stocking Llewelyn books, crystals, and Tarot cards in the bookstore, which as you know are both hideously overpriced and essentially useless."

Tapped to sheperd the new venture will be Eris, herself. When asked why the creator of all the universe would incarnate herself as the dean of Magick and Parapsychology, Eris said, "Have you seen the money they make? Even God's gotta love that kind of dough."

NMU's underground magician's guild, the B.M.O.C. (Bohemeian Magician's Organized Cabal) object to the way NMU is handling the new department. "Magick is about understanding the universe, not making a buck, but of course if you can make a buck while understanding the universe, SO MOTE IT BE!" said a spokesman who identified himself only as J. Muadib.

"I think it's great that people will finally start getting more in touch with the major pagan holidays like the one coming up the first Sunday after the first full moon after the equinox, I can't remember what it's called but it starts with an `E.'" said a wry pagan.

Fundamentalist factions objected saying, "Unless you confess the name of Jesus Christ our lord, you will drink the wine of the wrath of God, where the wyrm does not die and the fire is not quenched, when the lamb opens the seventh seal and the sky turns to poison, there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth and all those whose names are not written in the Book of Life will be cast into the lake of fire for all eternity by the God who loves you so very much!"

"Boy, are they in for a surprise," replied Eris.

"There is the precedent at Northern for this kind of department, which is essentially a money making scam," Said Sami the Jerk (academic commentator for The...TRUTH), "I mean, look at the Olympic Education Center. If that's not a bunch of bullshit, I don't know what is."

INSIDE: MAGNUM: BEER, CONDOMS, GUNS; AND NOW STULL
MYSTERY: WHO THE HELL IS LLOYD DOBBLER?
FEAR IT: THE POOL TURNS GREEN ON SATURDAY NIGHT!
PLUS WE IGNORE FACULTY EVALUATIONS

LETTERS TO THE...TRUTH

FINANCIAL AIDS TRASHED

To the Editor:
I used to think that if you got good grades in high school and college, you were sure to have enough scholarships and financial aid at least to earn a bachelor's degree. Boy, was I wrong. If you want to rip on any department of Northern, it should be financial aids. They think the whole goddamned world is made of money- well, at least theirs. I think it is an entirely different world the second you walk into the doors of finan-cial aids. Visions of Watergate dance in my head.
Bad experiences? I hardly know where to start! Let's try the secretaries.
"Yes?"
"Um, I have a question concerning my aid."
"Oh, just a minute." 2O minutes later, "What is your Social Security number?"
"XXX-XX-XXXX."
"What do you want to know?"
"Can I get any aid?"
"No! Who the Hell do you think you are?" She must have been having a bad day, a.k.a. probably doing her job.
"Can I talk to a financial aids advisor- preferably Mr. Murk?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"He's not in."
"When will he be in?"
"I don't know. Call back later."

At this point, I was not the very happy, satisfied Northern student that I usually am. The things going through my mind were not exactly pleasant:

You f*****g bitch! Who the Hell do you think I am? I help to pay your wages, and you have the nerve to give me shit? And, that was a low blow, telling me to call back. I have been trying to call for three days now, and no one has been answering the phone- probably on your eight-hour coffee break! Your whole department is getting a bad rap because of your piss-ass attitude. Have you ever heard of the saying "Northern is a student-centered university?" I sure as Hell have and I am 3O years younger than your sorry ass.

The point is that the financial aids office has problems- big problems. I could go on for days about all of the people I know who have gotten shafted by this department.

A very good friend of mine had to quit school. She had a 3.9 cumulative GPA and the mind of another Einstein. The reason, simply put, was money. Her parents' income last year was -$5,OOO. That's right- negative. But, the way that Northern figures aid, she did not receive any. F*****g bastards!

Another good friend of mine has a l.2 cumulative GPA, parents who make over $4O,OOO per year, a car, an on- campus job, and all of the financial aid she can handle. She just went over to Cohodas yesterday and signed her overage check. What's wrong with this picture? Everything.

For some reason, Northern has pity on those students who do not do well. Hell, I wouldn't do well either if I knew that I would get everything paid for. It's great that any old bum off the street can get accepted to Northern. Why go on welfare, when you can just apply to Northern and get everything paid for?

The ironic thing about my views is that they are shared by a lot of the staff and faculty of NMU, only none of them will stand up for what they believe in. God forbid they might get their hand slapped. I am on Northern's payroll and active in many of the organizations on campus. Students here do not realize how much they get shafted by financial aids. This department is supposed to make the college experience easier, right? Take a lesson from Housing and Residence Life.

-Unsigned

Editor's note- You are being facetious about Housing and Residence Life, right? RIGHT?

NO, EVALUATIONS SUCK

To the Editor:
So, you've scooped the "Blowhard?" (referring to your article in Vol. l2 oz., no. 34 ["The worst of the Worst?," Chaos 72]). Obviously, not a tough thing to do, considering their geriatric journalism techniques are so brittle that they would crack if any of the collective bunch had to (gasp) for once scale the cliffs of reason they spend so much time avoiding.

However, I object to your scooping them in this instance. Why? The whole notion of the faculty evaluations propounded by the ASS-NMU is ludicrous.

You call yourselves The . . . TRUTH and yet are perpetuating a lie when you print that the named faculty members suck based on the dubious criteria and doubtful response that ASS-NMU has misleadingly called a faculty evaluation.

A recent ASS-NMU meeting saw them retract their statement that they would only print the text of the said evaluations for a professor if ten or more students res- ponded. Now they say five responses is enough to print the text. Why? Because response to their campaign was so underwhelming!

I in no way wish to defend the cited faculty members on a case-by-case basis, nor do I wish to suggest that they are other than what their students have rated them as- pedestrian. I urge caution, however. Do these surveys really reflect the facts?

I will ask you this simple question: Do the responses suggest a representative sample, given the erratic and illogical nature of the polls? There is no guarantee that any of the students surveyed weren't simply grinding axes.

Don't succumb to the trendy fact-gobbling and word- twisting that the "Blow-hard" stoops to. Don't become the mouth-piece of a few grunge mongering students. Don't become a tool for the furtherance of the ASS-NMU's proto- fascist a-genda.

Reconsider your editorial stance.
-Sebastian Melmouth

Editor's Note- This letter was received with the return address, "Reading Gaol, London, England," (though it was obviously mailed on campus), and the author indicated that copies were sent to the North Wind and ASNMU. Okay- we really don't want to stoop to the Wind's level, but they actually have a pretty good idea regarding letters to the editor. While, under some circumstances, they will withhold the name of the writer of a letter, they will not accept anything submitted to them anonymously. For obvious reasons, we have no problems with printing letters anonymously or under pseudonyms, but we do think that at least we should know who wrote them, just in case (if for no other reason than that we will know who to hit up the next time we need money).

We realize that it's the North Wind's -dea, but it's old, the only good one they've ever had, and they probably just stole it from a professional newspaper, anyway. END

EXCERPTS FROM CYBERTRUTH

For those of you who don't know what that is, CyberTRUTH is our electronic conference on the campus mainframe, you can get into it by typing /conf truth on the command line when you log on. It's been only a month and it is a rousing sucess. So much so that this summer we'll be attempting a trial off- campus BBS and if that works we'll be launching ERISNET as a compliment to The...TRUTH. If you want to be kept up to speed on what is happening with that, please write to us on e-mail or our regular addfress in the Fine Print. Please send stamps and we'll send you our progress report.

Administration:

• How about the great idea to turn Gries into offices. My personal opinion- I hate the idea.
• The thing I find irritating about it is that they've worked a "skyway" from Gries to the U.C. West isn't getting one - Spooner isn't getting one. Why the @#$% should Gries get one as soon as the administration moves over there. *I say we all get together and have a huge demonstation/sit- in at the U.C. or Cohodas.We should demand that the Faculty Evaluation be printed, threaten to handcuff ourselves to Gries hall, and sing folk-like empowerment songs until they listen! Agree?
• It appears that the Administration's general policy for campus domination includes putting things on a "pacification" platform before moving in when people least expect it.
• I had a scary thought today: They will more than likely be closing K.I. Sawyer, right?? Well, that means NMU will be losing large amounts of students and tuition, right?? Yet, they're going to spend all this money to renovate the U.C. (Skywalk and all), and convert Gries, right?? Now, instead of just raising everybody's tuition, say 10%, to pay for all of it, because they lost all those K.I. people and their money, they will end up raising tuition MUCH MORE, because they have fewer suckers to extort, right??? The administration of this university has VERY poor foresight, it seems to me...
• To anyone who thought about getting a single next year, I quote Van Halen: "Dream another dream, this dream is over."

Philosophy:

• If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards
• Those that desire destroy that which they cannot possess.
• "Your conscience awakes and you see your mistakes and you wish someone would buy your confession."
• Marquette's version of art is a new Chevy pick-up.
• "What am I ? A thinking,living being ? Or am I a pawn in some mindless game perpetuated by a god I don't believe in ?"
• Are we just a dance band on the Titanic?
• As i walk into the light my own shadow grows
• Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "MONOSYLLABIC"?
• You can tell how much our society is changing when you walk into the men's restroom and find BITNET adresses on the wall instead of phone numbers

Sex:

• Sex with drunks is a sort of Russian roulette: it's either really BAD, and over in 2 seconds, or it's really GOOD, and not over for 2 hours...

B.M.O.C.
BOHEMIAN MAGICIAN'S ORGANIZED CABAL
MAGICK ARTIFACTS * PSYCHIC INVESTIGATIONS * DUBIOUS ADVICE
IF YOU NEED US, WE'LL CALL YOU

SUPPORT OPERATION DISBAND K.I. SAWYER

THE FINE PRINT

• Greg Rathje must die! That feebleminded git won ASNMU's elections running unopposed while dragging student interest in ASNMU to a new low. Boy we're pissed.
• Almost worth blowing off Minicon for is the new incarnation of PlaidBillygoats/Snorklepuppy/OrangeWhip which premiers at the Shamrock this weekend. Consider it a consolation prize for not being able to go to con.
• A big celebration is being planned by us here at Project E*L*F for next semester in honor the five year anniversary of the premier of The...TRUTH. look for our 3154-3159 logo, soon to be everywhere, plus we've bought day sponsorship on Public Radio 90 for Sept. 21 (Bureacracy 45) which is also Mabon--but we didn't have to tell you that did we? Actually to set this straight, we don't really know if 9-21-88 is the real premier (we didn't date the first 3 issues). It is, however, close enough for us.
• A little game for you literary types to play, Find all the references to Oscar Wilde in this issue (there are 3).
• As Editor I thought you should know, this year Minicon preps have been a real cluster@#$% and I'm just sick about it. People have been dropping out, dropping in and then dropping out, only to drop back in & out again. As I'm writing this it's around 76 hours before we line up to get our badges and I still don't know how I'm getting out to Minneapolis or who I'm staying with. Hell, I might not even make it at all. We won't know who's gonna make it until we get there. Strewth, the only difference between this place and the Titanic is that the Titanic had a better band.

This is how we found our golden apple--

our interim editor was wandering through St. Vinnie's during a psychotic episode, just perusing the merchandise when suddenly he realized he was staring at a golden apple on the shelf.

Eris spoke to him, saying: "Take this, the Golden Apple of Discord which I have transformed into an ice bucket, to hide it from the eye of the unclean. Lay it before kings of nations and drinkers of strange alcoholic beverages, that they may give a rat's ass if they feel like it."

Quivering he took the Golden Apple in his hands as said, "What is this shit? I haven't been looking for a Golden Apple. I've been looking for a cheap trenchcoat. I thought things like this were only sent down to people who struggle and search far and wide for years and years, besides this says `to the prettiest one,' and I'll be the first to say I'm far from that!"

Eris answered saying: "You know how I get."

Hearing this, he was enlightened.

Erisians on Star Trek

Remember the episode, "Who Mourns for Adonis?" from Classic Trek where Apollo is the only Greek god left alive and we find out that the creatures we thought were Greek gods were actually aliens? Well, when the rest of the aliens went to Pollux IV, Eris (being generally unwelcome) went to a different planet populated by humanoids which she named Erisians. She became their queen. Anyway, then the Enterprise shows up and they make friends with the Erisians and some of them join star fleet. Well, it's a concept. I'm sure someone will want to run with it.

Look for us and our Floating Erisian Hospitality Suite, which will be anywhere within ten feet or so of the Golden Apple (Ice Bucket) of Discord. Fnord.

FROM THE PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA
Pages 17 & 18
THE MYTH OF THE APPLE OF DISCORD

It seems that Zeus was preparing a wedding banquet for Peleus and Thetis and did not want to invite Eris because of Her reputation as a trouble maker.*

This made Eris angry, and so She fashioned an apple of pure gold** and inscribed upon it KALLISTI ("To The Prettiest One") and on the day of the fete She rolled it into the banquet hall and then left to be alone and joyously partake of a hot dog.

Now, three of the invited goddesses,*** Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite, each immediately claimed it to belong to herself because of the inscription. And they started fighting, and they started throwing punch all over the place and everything.

Finally Zeus calmed things down and declared that an arbitrator must be selected, which was a reasonable suggestion, and all agreed. He sent them to a shepherd of Troy, whose name was Paris because his mother had had a lot of gaul and had married a Frenchman; but each of the sneaky goddesses tried to outwit the others by going early and offering a bribe to Paris.

Athena offered him Heroic War Victories, Hera offered him Great Wealth, and Aphrodite offered him the Most Beautiful Woman on Earth. Being a healthy young Trojan lad, Paris promptly accepted Aphrodite's bribe and she got the apple and he got screwed.

As she had promised, she maneuvered earthly happenings so that Paris could have Helen (The Helen) then living with her husband Menelaus,King of Sparta. Anyway, everyone knows that the Trojan War followed when Sparta demanded their Queen back and that the Trojan War is said to be The First War among men.

And so we suffer because of the Original Snub. And so a Discordian is to partake of No Hot Dog Buns.

Do you believe that?

* This is called THE DOCTRINE OF THE ORIGINAL SNUB

** There is historic disagreement concerning whether this apple was of metalic gold or acapulco.

*** Actually there were five goddesses, but the Greeks did not know the Law of Fives.