The...TRUTH #37 - Back Issue
THE COMPLETE, UNADULTERATED, UNABRIDGED, ALL- AMERICAN, UNBIASED, WHOLESOME, HONEST TO GOODNESS, PLAIN AND SIMPLE TRUTH (cyberpunk edition) vol. 16 oz. no. 2 aftermath 12, 3159
_not_ in the university master plan
WEENIE UPSTARTS POLLUTE EXOSPHERE
Dozens of radio advertising salesmen leapt to their deaths from atop the recently sold Heritage House Hotel. Sources say, their despondence over falling revenues due to lost ratings turned to thoughts of suicide earlier this fall.
Ratings of Marquette radio stations have dropped steadily since K-rock began rebroadcasting in the city. The straw that broke the camel's back, however, was laid this semester when Northern Michigan University's WPUX went FM.
"I stopped listening to Marquette stations when K-rock came to town, even though they play Led Zeppelin," said Sami the Jerk (Music critic for The...TRUTH), "I didn't listen to WPUX before they went FM because I didn't want the dental implants and all the other things you needed to have to receive it. But since then, I have been listening and frankly-- WPUX kicks ASS! No commercials and the best rock and roll in town. It comes as no surprise to me that the other stations are suffering."
The plot to FM-asize WPUX was originally hatched in the brain of James Gleason many years ago. Gleason recently relinquished his after-graduation post as General Manager of Fox 103-- more likely than not-- to avoid being hoisted on his own petard.
"well, for years college students have been getting the short end of the stick with everything from no student checks' to only 2 students in the store at a time,'" said Sami, "and trying to get some real music played on the local radio stations took an act of congree. Now maybe some of these folks will see who's been paying the bills."
Ed Havlik, member of NMU board of control and owner of the Heritage worries about the negative press.
"All this was just fine when it was going to be a parking structure but after the Buddhist monks from Loseling Monastery sang at Ishpeming High School, Al Keefer [former ASNMU president and now executive director of the Peninsula Arts Appreciation Council] brought them around to see Marquette. They just fell in love with the building! I even changed the sign so it reads 'The Hermitage' in their honor," said Havlik.
"I would have thought the biggest stumbling block to a Buddhist monastery in Marquette would have been the close proximity to the New Life Church," Said Sami, "Renegade members of that church disrupt lab shows, they preach all over campus. Imagine how they'd treat actual card-carrying Buddhist monks. I don't think they're hip to this Multicultural thing yet."
Memorial services will not be held. "They were just radio sales guys, it's not like they were real people," said Sami.
WPUX rocks the greater Marqutte area on 91.5fm and boasts "more 'um's and 'uh's than any other fm station in the UP."
FACULTY DRIVE CONTINUES
Members of Marquette's "Citizens for Reality Coalition" are celebrating the beginning of phase two of their "Take back Hewitt Street" campaign, aimed at driving the English faculty and teaching assistants from the Hewitt street area.
"The number of English types on Hewitt is decreasing, but we still have over a dozen of them left," said Hewitt resident Stephen Dadelus. "We know what to expect from their type: one day it's a poetry reading and the next, they're trying to get our children into a liberal arts program instead of something useful like criminal justice or nursing. We have to stop them."
Dadelus and friends have organized a "Take Back the Street" march for later this month.
"We have to keep intimidating them until they learn they're not wanted," said Molly Bloom. Bloom then offered a graphic they prepared showing the location of such activities as books-in-progress and literature salons, he also had statistics on unemployment of liberal arts graduates.
"I don't want people thinking that Hewitt street is populated by nothing but a bunch of no-good shiftless bums. We work for a living. Let those literary types work, too."
"They say Hewitt street's getting better but I don't know, this fall the rugby club moved into a house down here," Bloom cautioned.
Inside: Career Awareness Day--lame as it ever was!
Shocker? U.C. renovations behind schedule!!
Horror! "Hell no we won't go!" 3rd floor Carey holdouts
Plus: We ignore Bryan Gentilini
WPUX DJ TEST REVEALED!
You too can see if you have the stuff to be a DJ at WPUX! Just take the test fnord that was given to all WPUX personalities (or lack thereof). The time limit is 30 minutes. Find the word(s) that you are not allowed to say on the air. Points will be taken off for each minute that you go over the time limit. Good luck!
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Classified Advertising
Jefferey Alexander Thornton is currently accepting resumes for the position of Girlfriend. References are required and they will be checked.
The...Truth is seeking a sensitive, caring advisor with an irreverent sense of humor to fufill all of our administrative needs. We enjoy British comedy, The Principia Discordia, and long walks on the beach. Could you be the one? (Ability and availibility to sign name required.)
Remember kids, Truth Disorganizational meeting on Friday, November 12 from 11-1. At the Wildcat DEN. Show up or I will squish your head. Don't let five years of Slack go to waste. You're a very lazy man, Lopez.
RESTAURANT REVIEW: JUST TO MAKE SURE WE'RE NOT TEMPTED TO SELL ADS
The Sweetwater Cafe: The Snailwater is more like it. The bread and soup were apparently made fresh on the premises, but the service was so slow I thought that they were out back fishing for whitefish and milking the cow for my Whitefish Chowder. Thirty minutes is too long to wait for soup at lunchtime. The food is excellent, but the speed of service is the pits. Its been six months guys, get your act together. Besides, we hate you, just because you were Charlie's.
The Koffee Haus: The front section has all the ambiance of a bus station, but the newly opened upstairs holds great promise. They even had a folksinger on Thursday, who sang songs even older than he is. The espresso is excellent, the other drinks are very good. Regular Koffee is good, but paying for refills sucks. The baked goods are o.k.
Babycakes: Tie required. Before you are served, you may have to show an i.d. to prove that youre over 40. But hey, the yuppies know their java & grub and they swarm there every day for fresh muffins and other yummies that will send them running to the health club. The coffee is refilled at the counter (they make you work for it).
Pat's Bar: The perfect antidote to all of this espresso fueled dreck. Great food (try the Friday night fish fry)! Great Prices! Hostile Regulars! A great place to get away from your fellow students, since most are too chicken to stay for long. Once everyone settles down and gets used to eachother, its a great place. Andy Capp would feel at home here, pet.
Vango's: What is going on here? The food is decent, the prices are allright, even the atmosphere has improved--But sheesh! The waitresses are bitchy! I've met them when they're not working and they seemed nice enough. What are they doing to their waitstaff? Gold stars to Natasha and Kristin for being cheerful, and not glaring at us when we stay for more than a half an hour.
RANDOM POOP
- The Forest Roberts theatre should have named this season: "God, We're Sorry About Last Year" or "Suck Up to the Public."
- Fringe benefits rates for faculty and staff have risen again. Perhaps NMU ought to think about finding another policy. Oh, wait! NMU is "Self" Insured. Never mind.
- NMU has hired someone to be academic nanny to the USOEC boxers. Aside from screaming: "finish your homework, Sluggo!" we're not sure how much he can accomplish. Just saving the blonde, leggy work study folks in Cohodas and keeping the noise down during the fistfights in the parking structure downtown would be an improvement.
- We ain't seen it yet, but we've heard that the new sexual harrasment policy does everything but kick men off campus, altogether. Doesn't sexual harrasment work both ways?
- Dave Goldsmith is talking about retiring from High School Bowl? You mean we lose Cheers and Dave Goldsmith in the same year?! Where is the justice?
- Don Curto writes restaurant criticisms for the Marquette Monthly . If he's so *@#$ing knowledgable why doesn't he open his own restaurant? Oh, wait! He did. Never mind.
- Two members of the Base Closure Authority are also members of 6 County Consortium. Guess which agency is looking for the most money to be passed their way through the Base Closure Authority?
- The Much Ballyhooed Truth Conference on MUSIC may close next semester. NMU is getting INTERNET to replace the obsolete BITNET and rumor has it, students won't have access to it. Now the Accademic Computing Standard Operating Procedure seems to be: "before implementing a proposed change in procedure, circulate a rumor about it. If enough people bitch, discontinue implementation." So please take anything you hear about computers on campus with a grain of salt.
- Good luck trying to get the attention of anyone in the computer labs who knows anything, anyway. They're all playing Bolo.
- If you're into video games check out the shareware version of Maelstrom that someone (who had too much time on their hands) changed the sound effects to audio cuts from Monty Python.
- If you do get on MUSIC--DO NOT SUBSCRIBE TO ANY OF THE DISCUSSION LISTS! They're lamer than hell and almost impossible to unsubscribe from! Believe me, you do not want to receive 45 pieces of E-mail a day.
- The newest Craze to hit NMU-- "Talking to yourself!" Catch the wave, guys! This promises to be bigger than even the old standard-- "Giving Strangers Dirty Looks for No Reason!"
- WPUX can't solicit funds? why not? Are they afraid Leslie Foster will stop sponsoring "The Thistle and the Shamrock" and start sponsoring "Alternative Heaven?" Although, godess knows, we'd rather sponsor "Radio X" than "Radio ZZZZ." On the other side of the coin, "C'mon guys, you went FM. What the hell else do you want?!"
- The...TRUTH is printed by the Erisian Liberation Flank (project E*L*F) as often as possible. If you've heard any juicy gossip or if you've found any "interesting" things in the trash-- please mail them to:
The...TRUTH
Box 43 Student Activities Office
Northern Michigan University
Marquette, MI 49855
On-campus mail is free, so please abuse it and remember the opinions expressed in The...TRUTH are not necessarily the opinions of Project E*L*F, its supporters, sponsors, or for that matter, the people who wrote the articles. All donations will be squandered on printing this piece of shit and of course your identity will be kept secret.
EXCERPTS FROM "/CONF TRUTH"
SEX
- Being a minor IRISH goddess of the cult of ERIS-the-SENSUAL. I must admit to having difficulties with the sustained physical arrousal of mortal men. Left to my own devices I could satisfy myself [and those within earshot] for hours on end. Those of the cult of Eris are blessed with that self-pleasing talent. I find it more challenging to arrouse the average mortal man.You tell me, men of ERIS: Is it normal to have only six or seven "stiffenings" while you are being playful with YOUR goddess? And how long does a jar of strawberry preserves last you? And, speaking of lubricants, do earthly stores-o-pleasure sell GOLDEN APPLE OIL? I have yet to find this. Perhaps I am simply insatiable and unreasonable. As a minor goddess, I have this tendency. Send your advice to me, Aedbhighl, And may the scent of apples bless your bed also.
- Just thought you should know, I just found out from unnamable sources that the program "Strip-Mac" is no longer allowed on ANY university computer because "it may offend people" and that it's "against the sexual harassment policy". Strip-Mac! is a game for consenting adults that really shouldn't be played in the labs. As for making people feel degraded, I don't think anyone who volunteers play this game will be degraded. This game involves physical participation by the players. The lab doesn't give the privacy needed for this.
- So, did anybody manage to COPY this program before it got the boot? (Maybe there's money to be made...but you didn't hear that from me.) I'm actually kinda curious to see what this thing is, exactly.
- What is your opinion about the New Stalking Law that was passed and recently used locally ... Is it stalking or gawking? How long before another innocent man (woman even ...maybe) gets convicted of smiling at the wrong person twice?
- Well, I think too many men think it's their birthright to leer at a beautiful woman. The thing guys have to learn is that girls don't like being leered at, period.
- It saddens me to see men so paranoid. How many times have women (and men too) been followed and called and tormented by a person, calling the police and being told the police can't do anything until something "really" happens? Anyways, I would hope that this law can't be twisted into another weapon for the war between the sexes. Unfortunately, I know I'm not speaking for all women...
- UNDER THIS LAW INTENT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PROVEN ... JUST THAT THE CIRCUMSTANCE WAS INTIMIDATING!
- It prevents putting the victim through hell similar to what happens in a rape trial--the victim is often treated as though THEY are the one at fault.
ADMINISTRATION
- I heard that in order to save some money, the admin. is letting the rugby team move into Longyear. They expect to have the thing leveled by next Sunday.
- I heard that given the current rate of conversion from classrooms/dorm/dome to offices-- by the year 2000 every man woman and child in the UP will have an office on campus.
- Wendy Krieg was investigating the Student Activity Fee and the Student Finance Committee last week, this week she gets sandbagged as the campus censor. She was poking her nose into the financial dealings of a lot of student groups and it's not ridiculous to suspect that a lot of them DIDN'T WANT their finances looked into. So, was she honestly denying any threat she might have made or is she lying? I think we'd need to know the name of the person who is claiming to have been threatened by her.
- If Krieg wanted to threaten, the least she could have done was threaten to do something she could do. Anyone who knows anything about ASNMU knows they can't tie their own shoes most days, let alone get enough spines stiff enough to freeze funds. So is she lying? I suppose anyone who really wants to know could ask her.
- Give the Christians their rock show. But, just for fairness, let's also have three hours of Tibetan Buddhist chanting on every Monday morning. Three hours of Wiccan music on each new moon. "The Age of Aquarius" played every day in January. Let's hear some gospel music on UPX, then get out the jeezo-funk.
- I think we should at least be able to have an ERISIAN rock show.
- If you are looking for excuses to skip class, (yeah, right) the tobacco smoke cloud in front of every entrance to every NMU classroom building is at least as dangerous as asbestos. How can students be expected to enter those buildings when the Surgeon General has classed cigarette smoke with asbestos as a potent carcinogen?
- Why hasn't anyone said anything about certain high-level administrators getting supeonas last summer for another Jacobetti scam?
PLACES
- "Dinosaur Sunday" returns to WUPX Sunday at 8:00 am. Get up early; start your worship right! E-mail requests may be forwarded to STWD...
- You might or might not think this is neat but, the drawings of the "Campus Master Plan" are now hanging on the glass wall in the lobby of the library. There is a lot of neat stuff in the details. Some of it will make you mad, no doubt. Some of it will make you say, "Now that makes sense. Too much sense to do at Northern." Anyway, check out the drawings. They are done in color and I'm sure an architect harvested a good supply of your tuition dollars for creating them.
RANDOM
- Easy on the beans, pard...there's a new gas tax on the way.
- the state of this nation is revolting... why aren't you?
- "What if there were no rhetorical questions?"
- "The Bill of Rights...void where prohibited by law."
- The new slogan for the NEW & IMPROVED NMU Bookstore: "Big enough to bowl in!"
- TRUTHLUNCH-(although a picnic in the shade of the Information Sign sounds pretty good, as well) let's think about gathering at The Pub. I dare say their fried food can match, drop for drop, anything pushed by the Wildcat Den. Regular rules of etiquette, of course, apply.
- Make sure to insult the cook, shlak (A cook named shlak?) by reminding him that he is nobody special.
- When Marge the waitress wants to take your order ask her what's cheap.
- Ask 'em to play the Sinatra CD.
- Remind them that you always used to order the Mexican burger, but can't find it on the menu anymore.
- Ask them if Jim&Ray are playing that evening.
- Let them know that you specifically requsted seating at "The Wilkie Table"
- Remind them you're incontinent, and ask if you can borrow the tip pan for a second...
- Does anyone have any new drink recipes? As you may know, THE...TRUTH runs drink recipes. Here's a new one: 2 parts Sambuko 1 part Jeigermeister It's called a Congressional Cocktail, cause if you have too many, you'll wind up speaking from the floor. P.S. Romulan Ale is no longer to be served at official functions.
- Why don't you rate campus bathrooms or root around in the personal trash of high-ranking administrative personnel to find out incriminating stuff?
HOW TO DO IT:
- Go to the computer lab on the first floor of west sceince and sigh up for a MUSIC ID.
- Go back the next day and get it.
- When you log on to music type "/conf truth" on the command line.
- There is no step 4.
- Post to our electronic conference or just read it fnord.
