The...TRUTH #39 - Back IssueThe complete, unadulterated, unabridged, all-American, unbiased, wholesome, honest to goodness, plain and simple TRUTH (cyberpunk edition) Vol. 16 oz., No. 4 Chaos 10, 3160the only paper that's black and white and red all over. ALIEN GIVES VANDEMENT THE FINGER!The Weekly World News Alien that met with The...Truth staff last year met with Pres. "Wild Bill" Vandiment recently concerning issues such as the Bookstore, BioNorthernSphere III, and the new food coirt. "Where the hell is the Wildcat Den?" was the first question asked by the alien. The Alien was then informed abou the changes in the academic eating structure. "The Den has been integrated into the new food court," the Pres. replied. "Does that mean the people pass judgement on the food?" the Alien asked. "I guess nothing has really changed." The Alien went on to ask about Longyear Hall. When Vandiment said that it had been demolished the Alien mumbled something about "...one less thing to do..." and moved on. Along the way, the two came across VP of something-or-another Phil Beaukema. Upon introducing himself the Alien asked Vandiment, "Who's this putz?" Vandiment told the Alien who the putz was, then the Alien asked if the putz was of any importance. "He thinks he is," Vandiment replied. "I use the Jedi Mind Trick on him. You see, the Force has power over weak minds." "You see, the Force has power over weak minds," Phil stated with a glazed look in his eyes. Moving on, the Alien and Vandiment also discussed the BioSphere-esque upgrades to the university. It has been noted that the plans would not be worthwhile seeing that Domino's doesn't do the 30 minute pizza thing anymore. "What's the sense of living un an enclosed evironment when you can't have pizza delivered?" the Alien queried. When they arrived at the Bookstore the Alien asked why they were expanding it. "Beats me," Vandiment said. "Will it hold more stuff?" asked the Alien. "I don't think so." "Then why?" The Pres hunched his shoulders. "Um...we're bored?" The Alien then told Vandiment that he was going to demolish NMU from orbit. Vandiment immediately asked if he could bribe the Alien and then gave the Alien a ring saying that it was a Volleyball Championship ring. "But there were no rings purchased," the Alien said. Vandiment smiled. "There was so much flak over the Hockey-ring thing that we just didn't tell anyone this time. I saw what happened to the last guy. I ain't stupid." The Alien took off, hawking his ring at the local pawn shop to pay for the parking fines placed upon his spacecraft. "We made lots of progress," a NMU spokesperson said. "Never really knew that little bugger had so many questions. Wonder what he meant about Longyear Hall? It was a good vidit though...it's always a pleasure when Mr. Jacobetti makes a house call." INSIDE: GALA RED IMBOLIC MASSACRE COMMEMORATIVE ISSUE!
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