The...TRUTH #40 - Back Issue

THE COMPLETE, UNADULTERATED, UNABRIDGED, ALL- AMERICAN, UNBIASED, WHOLESOME, HONEST TO GOODNESS, PLAIN AND SIMPLE TRUTH (cyberpunk edition) vol. 16 oz. no. 5 chaos 31, 3160

it's not real, but it is true.

MOTHER NATURE ARRAIGNED!

Mother Nature has been officially charged following the bitter cold of January 18 and 19. The 2200 counts of Attempted Murder have been filed on behalf of some of the poor souls who had to venture out into the cold while every decent place in Marquette closed its doors.

Prosecutor Gary Walker is reviewing other complaints of Malicious Destruction of Property and Aggravated Assault. "I think we also have to consider charges of Reckless Endangerment against business owners who forced employees out into the cold so they could stay open," said Sami the Jerk (Police Blotter editor for The...TRUTH) "The Miller Brewing Company closed it's doors, but the mall had to stay open?"

California Governor Tommy Thompson is filing for extradition. "She caused a lot more destruction and death in California before she tried to knock off a couple thousand of you Yoopers," Thompson said. "Besides, you had it coming living up there in the cold."

"Yeah, you can talk about deserving natural disasters, pal. You chose to live on a fault line," said Michigan Governor John Engler, "Besides, more people died in the cold than in the earthquake." Engler is trying to extradite Mother Nature so she can face charges of Murder in Lower Michigan.

"Engler can go whistle," said Sami, "The U.P. doesn't have an extradition treaty with Lower Michigan."

Mother Nature is being held in the Marquette County Jail.

Inside this issue:

  • Threat! Group vows to maim anyone caught mutilating/stealing Rolling Stone in current periodicals room!
  • Shocker: NMU leaves Morton Downey Jr. Speechless!
  • The ASNMU Booksale still sucks!
  • Plus we ignore the Student Leadership Summit!


BTW by the way...

Politics

  • The ASNMU board unanimously approved a luke-warm resolution supporting race-relations and now they've had it printed on a banner so we can all sign it. Great, now why don't they get off their dead asses and actually do something to improve race relations? You can stick that loyalty oath, boys, until you get a person of color on the board-- we ain't signing nothin'.
  • While we're on race relations, what's this about Dr. Diana Malouf being given her walking papers?
  • This Modern World is the first good thing we've seen in the NorthWind in a long time.
  • However, we like to read the part of the editorial page where someone who was trying to be funny last week is apologizing this week--keep it up.
  • The Ewen-Trout Creek gym is a converted barn! Please direct all complaints to 227-1700.
  • Overheard from Northern Arts and Entertainment, "Hey, where'd this envelope full of cash come from?"

Entertainment

  • Local legendary songwriter with a golden voice, Jim Stedman, receives too much press.
  • Attention WPUX: Get your shit together. We're sick of hearing "Well, we got a request for such-and-such but I can't find it right now.
  • WASNMU has just submitted an application to the FCC. The AM station proposed would serve "the voting population" of students at N MU. According to plans, station manager Greg Rathje says that the station should be ready and "A-O-K" by May 15, 1994. "We'll be a different kind of station," said Rathje. "Kind of 'Talk-Radio', kind of..." added proposed Programming Director, Dave Dowzy.
  • WNMU-FM Goes To No-News Format "We're giving our listeners what they want," said neophyte Station Manager, Susan Sherman. "I don't think many people will notice the difference," stated pundit, D. W. When asked of the future prospects for Local News Director, Jim Hyphen-Face, Sherman stated that there are plans. "Well -- I don't think we should slam the door on 'features.' Jim will keep himself busy, I can tell you. After all, we've got another Dog Sled Race comin' up!"
  • WNMU-FM To Underwrite Dog Sled Race "We're giving the listeners what they asked for," said neuvo Station Manager, Susan Sherman. "Their dollars are telling me that dog sled racing is that important to them, so, we're going to divert a bit from our 'same old broadcasting beam' way of doing things, and get out into the field." During the race, WNMU-FM will be going off the air, and Frida Warra will be moving-in. "As you know," Sherman told us, "Frida runs a little PR business, and sometimes she needs to just come in and spin-off a couple of copies of things, and we're always glad to see her back. In fact, we received some money from a listener in Traunik, who commented that we should think more about Dog Sled Racing, and bring Frida back into the studio. I think Traunik will be a very happy place this year!"
  • Jim Hyphen-Face To Enter Dog Sled Race Former local news director at WNMU-FM, Jim Hyphen-Face will be once again running after his wife, Shelly. But this time, she'll be harnessed and steaming-to-go under the crack of Big Jim's whip, as she leads the WNMU-FM team of "good-old-boys" out into the UP desolation for a taste of "Midnight Mush". Hyphen-Face has driven this "team" before. "It's not like we're strangers," he said, "these guys all know how to pull together. Under the lead of Shelly, I think it's going to be a winning combination. Hell, W.L.'s been running after her for years."
  • Sound-Scape Now Open On Third Street Big deal.
  • As Departmental Newsletters go, Zen and the Art of Departmental Maintenance (English) is probably the funniest.
  • Stedman Responds "I don't think the name Jim Stedman has been getting too much press."

    Science

    Boeing discovers non-reactive chemical. The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by Boeing physicists. The element, tentatively known as Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second.

    Adminstratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganization.

    Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities, and can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

    Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

    ERISIAN QUIZ

    How Erisian are you? Take this simple quiz and find out.

    The demolition of Longyear Hall was:

    1. Progress.
    2. A damn shame!
    3. Fun to watch.

    The worst thing about the PEIF building is:

    1. The water-saving shower heads.
    2. The clocks are 4 hours off.
    3. The hidden cameras in the locker rooms.

    The 60's quote that best defines the values of the Baby [sic] boomers is:

    1. "Ask not what you country can do for you...." --JFK
    2. "All you need is love." --Beatles
    3. "I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames." --Morrison

    The A.S.L. is:

    1. The Art Students League.
    2. A rap group.
    3. Even more self-serving and useless than the Student Leader Fellowship Program.

    The main topic at the last NorthWind meeting was:

    1. "Did you see the game?"
    2. "Do you want to come over and watch the game?"
    3. "How can we slam ASNMU this week?"


    During the epic cold snap only essential personnel were required to be on campus. This lead us to wonder exactly who qualifies as essential. Well, we found out:

    Top Five Essential Personnel

      5. The smokers standing outside
      4. Surly cafe workers
      3. WPUX's Chris
      2. WPUX's other Chris
      1. Beverly Matherne

    Top Five Nonessential Personnel

      5. Vandament (but he was here anyway)
      4. Phil Beukema
      3. Surly cafe bosses
      2. Leslie Foster
      1. Morton Downey Jr.


    SAMI THE JERK

    You know that looks looks looks, are why you rely on books --Sparks

    Bookstores and libraries have been my friends for a very long time. I went to college downstate and it wasn't so bad. There was a competing bookstore where you could buy your textbooks ahead of time, and the library was well organized and user friendly.

    Now I'm here at NMU. You can't buy your books until you go to the class so that everyone is in the bookstore at once. You either must know karate or wear body armor to survive and there's no competing store to save you money and thin the crowds. There's also the question: do they even have the right text?

    The library needs help! I do most of my class-work research in the periodicals and it takes me a minimum of half an hour to find an article in the computer before I even attempt to search the stacks. The current periodicals room is a mess! If I'm lucky, I find my article on the shelf but it's more likely to be scattered on a table or be at the binders. could anyone tell me about those trolleys full of books on the third floor? The collection last semester seemed to grow and grow. Doesn't anyone put them away? or is that why the library us like a graveyard. Both books and librarians have been buried. Please someone perform a miracle and bring back the dead.

    EXCERPTS FROM <CONF/ TRUTH>

    If you don't have a MUSIC ID, go get one--then type </conf truth> on the command line and log onto our electronic conference. Below are excerpts from the conference. CyberPun

    • a FRIEND of mine once said that there is only one good pun in the whole universe. The corralary to this is that when that pun is found, the world will end. LET THE SEARCH BEGIN!
    • We need a topic to begin the punning...Glass. How's that?
    • Glass? You have an ulterior motive for picking that... I can see right through you.
    • Let me make myself totally clear. There's two guys shattering the airwaves tomorrow morning on PUX at 6am. AIRTIME with Chris & Chris You shard really tune in.
    • That really blows. This topic is cracked.
    • Come on, this topic is going to be a real pane.
    • Is the topic half full, or half empty?
    • Water ya talkin' about?
    • I think I'm going to need a bottle of SOMETHING to get over these eye glazing puns.
    • Well, I've had it up to here with you power DRUNK technos. If ya don't quit I'm gonna RUM you out of town.
    • I had absolut certainty this would happen, sooner or later. What with the way these guys will popov to the bar every 5 o'clock...
    • You don't want to mix computing and alchohol. You might wind up with a floppy disc. You may even download your lunch. You all know what a floppy disc is--that's when you're SOFTWARE you ought to be hard. Try to do a power input then...
    • If you want to know what happens when you mix computers and alcohol justask microCHUNK!
    • But, then again, people say computers are becoming intelligent. Next thing ya know they're gonna try tequila (to kill ya).
    • Sometimes, I could SWEAR my computer has had a few.
    • Do you have any proof there are spirits in your computer? And while I'm asking, what proof are the spirits?
    • I think liquor should be BARRED from entering the conference. And speaking of indulging in amber-colored liquids --can I see your I.D., MicroChunk?
    • We've been soaking our mouseballs in alcohol and now they weave from side to side and can't say the alphabet. I tried to tell B that mice can't hold their liquor but he had to find out for himself.
    • I mixed my trackball and my highball, and now my mouse moves on its own. However, it has yet to hit any of my high scores.
    • I almost always score when I'm high.
    • But my mouse has gotten better at the games now that it gets high. We're now thai'd.
    • You ought to be STONED for that, this conference is going to POT. I'm sorry, I just can't HEMP myself--I'm such a DOPE.
    • I can't beleaf how quickly this topic changes.
    • I'll MINE my own business --searching for that giant underground mushroom rumored to be in the U.P. soil! Can you say BIG SHROOM? Dig it!!! -- Whoa, what was the pun I was supposed to be developing here?
    • But,I thought I was your favorite FUNGI News
    • Supposedly, Ergot, a mold found in bread, produces a substance very close to (if not in fact) LSD.("Honestly, officer...it's just bread...I swear...") I have no confirmed reports of this actually working from anybody I know.
    • I've heard of that mold too--it's FATAL, STUPID!
    • It can't be fatal, people have gotten off from it. It's bread. (ooOOoo.) If it was bad for ya, the FDA woulda outlawed it, and we'd have to score loaves of bread, too. As for the alcohol thing, that's different- some people have natural chemicals in their body that, when combined with bread yeast, produce alcohol.
    • I read about a chemical that forms alcohol when combined with bread yeast. I think it's called sugar. *Didn't ergot cause a lot of death in Europe a few centuries ago?
    • I think that was the black plague...obviously, more research needs to be done.
    • There is a rather interesting item, I thought, under the catch-all "Good of the Order" section in the current PCMINUTES. The easy way to access this is to type /nmumenu pcminutes at any command prompt. PCMINUTES is the President's Council minutes posted by Pam Grundstrom after each meeting.
    • GREG RATHJE HAS AN E-MAIL ADDRESS! Now we can E-mail our gripes to ASNMU. His address is s801. PLease do not abuse it ;) >:)
    • I wouldn't mind putting together a "Truth Review". In short... a staged parody of everything going on around NMU... the list of "skits " that could be employed:
      • "The Emergency Room at Ada Vilmetti Health Center"
      • "Compiling Statistics Found On Faculty Evaluations"
      • " The Information Sign"
      • "The Gregg Rathje/American Gladiators Show"
      • "Late Night In The Steam Tunnels"
      • "An Elevator Ride With Mr. Sorrell"
      • "Where your money REALLY goes."
    • The PURITY TEST is a Personality Inventory that lists questions from "Have you ever been kissed?" to "Have you ever been romatically involved with barnyard animals?" the results are tallied, resulting in a Purity score rated by percent (you statisticians will of course object to this as being unscientific but hell, it's fun) PROJECT E*L*F now has access to this document and I am taking it tonight at 7pm. We are planning to have some kind of event centered around this test, including a possible Cyberpunk version. We'll keep you posted.
    • YES! The PURITY TEST rules! You all must take this! I tied for the lowest Purity Test Score on campus. Of course, my insurance carrier may not be thrilled to hear that. But still, a lot of fun!
    • Watch it, you only out-scored me by 6 points. But I agree, this test should be manditory for entrance (or at least suggested, not wanting to offend Those-Who-Determine-My- Academic-Fate).
    • But could Ted Slater pass THIS proficiency test?
    • OK. My final score, BTW, is 71.4%, but there were a couple items that were borderline. (I.E. have you ever done X 7 times? "Well, not yet, but I was planning on making time #7 later tonight anyways...") so my score may be rapidly falling. However, if I hadn't'a planned on doing Item X, and did it anyways to lower my score, I coulda lowered my score TWICE. Damn. I was actually GONNA do it, so that makes me purer than if I wasn't going to but the test talked me into it. Blorf. I got a question...does the Zapruder film count as a snuff film?
    • Snuff films? My EN-111 students assure me that SKOAL RECALL is an excellant film in this genre. Others: HE TRIED TO CHEW MY HEAD OFF, SPITTING BLOOD, and SPITTOON... (an art noir takeoff on PLATOON).
    • Sounds like another pun-rant flowing over into the other drawers. Can't we do anything about this, microchip?
    • Hey, whats' this about flowing into other drawers? Isn't that a question on the Purity Test?
    • PUN not PANTS!
    • He punts. He scores!
    • True, but: Does he who punts score high on intelligence tests?
    • He pants! He scares!
    • Speaking of purity test scores I took the one you guys posted and scored a 40.2 give me alittle while and I sure I can lower it a few more.
    • Wait a minute... Which position did Stedman accept? And, perhaps more important, did it lower his Purity Test score? *I think it was the missionary position, and NO!
    • I think it was the "Yooper" position, and YES!!
    • The "Yooper" position? Darling, you'll have to show me that one later.
    • It involves antlers and a shotgun...
    • Yooper position: First stick your head up your ass...
    • Missionary position? Wasn't there a question about sex with religious people on the test?
    • um... no, I heard that the question was "Do you have sex religiously?" As in, four times a day whether you need it or not: morning mass, noon mass, afternoon mass, and evening mass...
    • A mass sex act? I KNOW that's on the Purity Test.

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