The...TRUTH #43 - Back IssueTHE COMPLETE, UNADULTERATED, UNABRIDGED, ALL-AMERICAN, UNBIASED, WHOLESOME, HONEST TO GOODNESS, PLAIN AND SIMPLE TRUTH (cyberpunk edition) no. 00043 discord 18, 3160There are trivial truths & there are great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true. THE GEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTHA group of computer science majors at Northern Michigan University have apparently taken over the world, according to sources deep within N.M.U.'s administration. "I knew this was going to happen," said a cynical administrator, "Giving these kids access to Internet was a BIG mistake." One of the mytery kids called The...TRUTH in the middle of the night and offered a brief interview. "We thought we were just playing a majorly heated game of Bolo," said the anonymous World Dictator, "But then when Moose blew up the gas line in New Jersey--I knew we had tapped into something really powerful." When asked how this could happen he replied, "Well, our Internet link on campus is kinda screwy, I think fiber optic cables just got crossed and wound up giving us control over the whole world." When asked to demonstrate his power over the world the young lad paused then said, "Okay, I'll prove we control everything--we'll get Gregg Goetz elected as ASNMU president. Yes, yes, that will be an adequate demonstration of our power." He then laughed maniacly on the other end of the receiver. "Great, just bloody great," said Sami the Jerk, "and we thought Korea was giving us trouble. That's all we need is these vicious little geeks controling the world." "I think it's lovely. I know the world will be a nicer place with non-lawyers running the it. We need the influence of the socially-challenged," said Ms. Political Correctitude. "Yeah, you've never seen them play `Civilization,'" said Sami. "Just wait until they start playing a real life version of Lemmings with us."
ASNMU VOWES TO "ROCK THE CASH BAR"It all started when Jim "Hey- I'm Playin'- At- Portajam- VIII- on- April- 16- at- The- Shamrock" Stedman walked into the ASNMU offices with fifteen cases of Rhinelander long necks. Although he bought these at The Corkscrew Liquor Depot in Ashland, Wisconsin, at $4.86/case (total investment $72.90), he was prepared to unload them to NMU students tired of getting ripped-off at the "cash-bar" sites at NMU Cultural Event Concerts. "It's not necessarily `used' beer," said Stedman, "It's just very 'old' beer." The cases were put on display during the week of the Rhinehart Food Show, which hindered student interest -- hell, all they needed was a nametag and they could drink for FREE in the UC. However, the cases did eventually get sold. "ASNMU took its cut," said Grig Wrath-of-Ghee. Stedman pocketted 50% of his original investment, and seemed satisifed"I'm just glad to have my garage back," he said. This year, the Rhinehart show/ASNMU Used Booze sale will be held during the second week of May. The Rhinehart show, which will be moved to The Dome, will once again provide free food and booze to anybody wearing a name tag. The ASNMU sale will take place in the parking lot outside the Dome. ASNMU officials will be collecting $2.00 (or two partner-in- programming shares) for parking privilege.
INSIDE:New Minicon game-- last one to be found by Erik wins! It's that time of year again--library Easter egg hunt for grad students: "The book you want is somwhere on the carts." Shocker! Psych dept. uses U.C. for maze tests! NMU coningent ACTUALLY makes it to CON! Plus we ignore the North Wind
BATTLESTAR PROPHYLACTICA "DEEP THROAT NINE"Space: the final Cruising Ground. These are the voyages of the Battlestar Prophylactica. It's ongoing mission-- to sleep with new life and new civilizations. To safely boink what no one has boinked before. Stardate 6969.3, The Battlestar Prophylactica has been assigned to escort the Jargon Ambassador to the planet Lesbos where my first officer Commander Dyker will be taking her shore leave. "Captain, the Jargon Flagship is hailing us," said Lt Felch, the Klinging security officer. "On screen." the viewscreen lit up with the image of the stuffy, shifty-eyed Jargon delegation. "Captain Brickhard, I am the Emperor of the Jargon Collective. I wish to extend my deepest, most heartfelt kudos on the successful completion of our mission--in advance," said the Jargon leader. "Mr. Diddle, can you interpret?" said Brickhard. "Their speech is already going through the Universal Translator, Captain. I'm unsure why we're having trouble understanding them." "Our team will be in readiness to uploaded to your conveyance at your earliest convenience," the alien continued. "I don't understand what he's saying." said Felch. "Just beam them aboard," Brickhard said, pulling at the hem of his red uniform shirt. Shortly the Jargon delegation was standing in the transporter room, meeting the Prophylactica crew. "Greetings Captain, I am the Potentate of the Jargon Republic." "Didn't you just say you were the Emperor?" "'Emperor' started to take on a negative connotation so we changed it to 'Potentate'." "Didn't you say your government was a collective?" "Yes, but 'collective' started to sound socialist so we changed it to 'republic.'" "Diddle, assemble the bridge crew--we need to discuss this," Brickhard whispered to his officer. "Felch, escort the Jargon delegation--er, whatever to their quarters." "Thank you Captain I'm sure our mutual cooperation will ensure a long and beneficial exclusive relationship between our citizenships." said the ambassador. (Commercial) Later in the conference room, "Well, your thoughts, Menage a Trois?" "Captain, I detect a great secretiveness about the Jargons," said the Betamax counselor, "They obviously keep changing their language so we won't be able to tell what they're talking about." "No shit Trois--Any twelve year old watching at home could figure that out." said first officer Dyker. "What seems to be the problem with Dyker?" Brickhard asked Trois. "She's anxious to begin shore leave, captain. Even in the diverse crew of the ship we're parodying here--Paramount has been too wimpy to introduce an openly gay character. All the plots with anything even hinting at gay themes have been badly watered down. Naturally she's feeling a little left out of it all." "Understood." "Captain, How is the Federation going to bargain with the Jargons if they keep changing their language?" asked Mr. Felch. "I'll have to meet with the president or potentate or whatever he's calling himself this moment and explain the necessity of plain speech," the captain replied. "in the meantime, Mr. Diddle, I want you to try and modify the Universal Translator to filter out all their doubletalk." "Aye aye captain I can adjust the harmonic wave forms to compensate for the--" "Just make it so." (Commercial) Brickhard and the Jargon leader meet in the Captain's ready room. "Mr. Potentate." "I'm sorry Captain, I'm the Guru of the Jargon Sanctuary." "What!?" "Potentate started to take on a--" "Yes, yes a negative connotation, I understand. That's why I wanted to call you here. You see, The Federation places a premium on plain, candid speech. We don't go in for flowery, legalese." "Affirmative, I was briefed on the dim view the Federation takes of obfuscation." "I don't understand." "When negotiating our pacts, the Jargon Club values the elocution of the representative as a display of erudition as the zenith of Jargon family values." "Huh?" "But what I really wanted to request was a boon of a more personal nature of some of the more voluptuous members of your crew blessed with the XX chromosome structure." "What?" "The Battlestar Prophylactica is known throughout the galaxy for the charity and availability of it's testosterone- challenged crewmembers. "Who?" Suddenly a voice could be heard from Brickhard's communicator. "Commander Brickhard?" came Dyker's voice. "What is it Number One?" "Mr. Diddle has cracked the secret of the Jargon language--we can now reprogram the Universal Translator to reveal the true intention of the Jargon delegates." "Make it so." "I want to *@$% all your women and rip off the Federation," said the Jargon leader. "You sick little monkey!" Brickhard shouted whipping out his phaser. He deftly increased power to "full" and blasted the Jargon to his component atoms with a single shot. In a moment, Felch and Dyker burst in phasers drawn. "Captain we heard a phaser--are you all right?" said Felch. "Yes, I had to shoot the Jargon Ambassador." "You shot him?" asked Dyker. "Yes, I had too. The twenty-fourth century is no place for that kind of gobbledygook." On the next Battlestar Prophylactica: "Mr. Diddle, is it true that if I order you to do something and then I order you never to tell anyone else about it--you have to do it?" said Dyker. "Yes," replied Mr. Diddle. "Come with me." "Commander, I thought you were a lesbian." "No, I'm bi--why do you think Brickhard calls me Number One?" RANDOM POOP*Blue Jean Day was a hoot last week. The last time any of us remember people being worried that certain clothing made them look like fags, was grade school. I've never seen so many big dumb jocks in dress pants in my life. BTW--if you were called a "queer" as I heard some people were by members of our fine, upstanding football team--you should fill out a complaint in the Dean of Students Office. The student code prohibits speech or actions that embarass or degrade a person based on race, sex, national origin, handicap status, or sexual orientation. *Now if Ebony Excellence would have a "Wear anything except a white sheet" day on campus we'd really see where the rubber meets the road on this much-ballyhooed, but little implemented "multiculturalism" we've been hearing so much lip service about. *As we're typing this, we are making arrangements to get an office in the long-overdue, eagerly awaited student office area. We select space next Wednesday (Some of us will already be in Minneapolis for Minicon by then). *Mark your calendar tentatively for Friday April 8--for our TRUTH ROUND UP. What's that? If you've been a TRUTH distributor in the past or one of our TRUTH storage points then you've probably got a pile of old back issues laying around. On April 8 (or therabouts) we'll be meeting in our new office to gather the archives and store permanently our Floating Truth Archive in the office. Plus we'll be distributing back issues to anybody who wants to complete their collection. We'll also be meeting to try and see who's interested in picking up the torch next fall. *We assume somebody will pick up the torch considering almost all of the old hassles that used to take up most of our time have been removed:
*We'd really appreciate it if someone would send a copy of this 'zine to Factsheet Five (we're too modest to do it ourselves). *The official name(s) of the group that publishes The...TRUTH is Project E*L*F or The Erisian Liberation Flank. E*L*F is an autonomous disorganization whose sole reason for being (lately) has been this periodical, although we do meet every day at noon to have lunch and discuss anything that crosses our minds.
The legend of the Hokey PokeyAs of late, there has been much scholarly debate as to the origin of and original purpose to the Hokey Pokey. The anthropologist camp contends that the circle and motions of the Hokey Pokey come from early human activity of encircling the campfire and briefly thrusting an appendage near the flame and then turning around to distribute warmth equally around the body. Understandably, the "whole self" finale wasn't present in these early Hokey Pokey sessions, although some of the whippier anthropologists contend that human sacrifice was occasionally involved. On the other hand, the occultists trace the Hokey Pokey, which is a magick phrase, similar to Hocus Pocus (cf. Webster's Dictionary), to an elaborate magick ritual in which, the participants added body parts one at a time to make a living being, i.e. Frankenstein's monster. Regardless of the Hokey Pokey's origin--it's qualities are unquestioned (and unstated) and whether you regard the Hokey Pokey as a lambada for beginners or a low-impact aerobic workout, please join in when you encounter the Erisian Wandering Hospitality suite (anywhere within ten feet or so of our majestic golden apple) or during the big poolside Hokey Pokey extravaganza Saturday Night. END
FROM THE PRINCIPIA DISCORDIAPages 39 and 40
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